I was going to write a post everyday for Ramadan, documenting my experience...however, the first day I got really sick..and the second day, I was unable to fast and will be until next week. So that's that. besides that...I am not feeling it. I mean, I am... more than any other Ramadan I have experienced, but at the same time, I am really not. I feel distant from it. for the first time, I felt a little excitement, and anticipation knowing it was coming...yet at the same time, it feels a little unsure...like I am just not quite comfortable with it all. I find out more and more all the time about what I "should" be doing (more like what I should NOT be doing), along with the fasting and I feel like an awful person. I am trying my best to learn and to live this religion, but what I know and have learned seems to be contrary to what I see and have been involved in. I am having a real struggle (jihad) within myself as to whether I am/have been/will be doing the right thing in regards to every choice I have made in pursuing my spirituality on such a larger scale and to such a degree that it makes my head spin and feel like it's impossible for me to ever be a good Muslim. I CHOSE this. I CHOSE to be active, to pursue a community, to seek service, to manifest the love and gratefulness I have for GOD into something on this Earth that CAN be seen....but maybe I went about it all the wrong way.
I have been told quite often by someone I respect so much that I should worry only about myself. Not anyone else. I had a hard time with this statement. I don't feel as though that is what I am supposed to do...I feel so much more in me...how can I worry ONLY for myself when there is SO MUCH good work to be done and no one is jumping in and doing it or inspiring the community to jump start itself!!! To me that's the WHOLE PROBLEM! However, with recent events, and the 2 weeks I took off I can see a tiny bit more clearly why this person's advice may be my best advice to take. I like to think that things don't bother me, that I don't allow them to affect me, but I am finally going to admit that this is not true :)
My spirituality is HUGE in my life, and I made it even bigger by throwing myself into trying to get everyone else on board...when people just aren't ready, or been there done that, or for whatever reason...are just not interested. I have met a dozen American women converts who were at one time doing similar things, trying to organize, do some good, build community..regularly attending the Masjid. their experiences make me feel like I am not alone, but at the same...make me feel total shame and hopelessness that the situation seems to have always been this way. I am not coming onto a community that has not TRIED to DO something. I have come into a community where those who have tried have been beaten down to the point of just not being around anymore. And so the community stays stagnant. No programs, services, fellowship, no leadership. The toll it has taken on me in all ways has gotten to the point that it's just enough. Enough of all of it. I have 3 things in this life I need to worry about right now. My family, our future and our spiritual growth. There is no longer any room inside my head for very much else right now. I am helping with the Convert Sunday School...and anything else I do is going to have to pertain to my family and us moving forward somehow. And I have to find my own Islam. I have a hard time believing the example I have seen is the true Islam. And I know it is not mine.
I got in a bit of trouble over writing about the goings on. And even though it is not my way to shut up and let things I see as wrong happen...I respect those angry at me for it enough to drop it entirely. I won't speak about it publicly...as long as I am not involved in any of it anymore. And I am sorry to anyone who I offended by sharing what has been happening in the community but on that same note...I do not believe silence is an answer to 30 years of corruption and mismanagement of a community. I think loud voices are, strong faith, and honest, compassionate and dedicated leadership is. And if we do not raise our voices and demand these things...how will we get them? What makes us look bad is not trying to change things that are wrong...it's NOT CHANGING THEM in order not to look bad!!!!! Silence=Complacency. We stay quiet and those who are hurting others will continue.
I'll be posting Muslim stuff here...for the Moment...everything else I have allover the web I am collecting and moving onto Opera. No more stuff floating around everywhere. I want to keep the writing up...and I don't feel anymore like the issues of my Muslim ad my "other" life are separate anymore....so we'll see how things turn out. Maybe I will move the WHOLE thing over and only have the one blog anymore. Maybe. Til then, it's here. And I am posting it right now :)
I have been told quite often by someone I respect so much that I should worry only about myself. Not anyone else. I had a hard time with this statement. I don't feel as though that is what I am supposed to do...I feel so much more in me...how can I worry ONLY for myself when there is SO MUCH good work to be done and no one is jumping in and doing it or inspiring the community to jump start itself!!! To me that's the WHOLE PROBLEM! However, with recent events, and the 2 weeks I took off I can see a tiny bit more clearly why this person's advice may be my best advice to take. I like to think that things don't bother me, that I don't allow them to affect me, but I am finally going to admit that this is not true :)
My spirituality is HUGE in my life, and I made it even bigger by throwing myself into trying to get everyone else on board...when people just aren't ready, or been there done that, or for whatever reason...are just not interested. I have met a dozen American women converts who were at one time doing similar things, trying to organize, do some good, build community..regularly attending the Masjid. their experiences make me feel like I am not alone, but at the same...make me feel total shame and hopelessness that the situation seems to have always been this way. I am not coming onto a community that has not TRIED to DO something. I have come into a community where those who have tried have been beaten down to the point of just not being around anymore. And so the community stays stagnant. No programs, services, fellowship, no leadership. The toll it has taken on me in all ways has gotten to the point that it's just enough. Enough of all of it. I have 3 things in this life I need to worry about right now. My family, our future and our spiritual growth. There is no longer any room inside my head for very much else right now. I am helping with the Convert Sunday School...and anything else I do is going to have to pertain to my family and us moving forward somehow. And I have to find my own Islam. I have a hard time believing the example I have seen is the true Islam. And I know it is not mine.
I got in a bit of trouble over writing about the goings on. And even though it is not my way to shut up and let things I see as wrong happen...I respect those angry at me for it enough to drop it entirely. I won't speak about it publicly...as long as I am not involved in any of it anymore. And I am sorry to anyone who I offended by sharing what has been happening in the community but on that same note...I do not believe silence is an answer to 30 years of corruption and mismanagement of a community. I think loud voices are, strong faith, and honest, compassionate and dedicated leadership is. And if we do not raise our voices and demand these things...how will we get them? What makes us look bad is not trying to change things that are wrong...it's NOT CHANGING THEM in order not to look bad!!!!! Silence=Complacency. We stay quiet and those who are hurting others will continue.
its funny I read this today, I feel the exact same way..
ReplyDeleteGLAD I am NOT alone!!!!!!
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