tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26983581921656913402024-03-04T22:02:35.515-08:00Muslimnessin Americathat womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06729564454357031477noreply@blogger.comBlogger30125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2698358192165691340.post-31922536983566277052015-11-28T07:17:00.001-08:002015-11-28T07:17:07.368-08:00Under Pressure<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I feel an <b>IMMENSE </b>amount of pressure, even as a pretty secular Muslim, to defend my religion today. To defend my sisters (and brothers, but the sisters bear the burden when they wear hijab) in Islam, and to persuade my friends and my countrymen from believing what they see on the news and are being told by DAESH. Stop them from listening to psychopaths who are CLEARLY deranged, explain Islam, as if those nasty ass, dirty ass, stinky, scrubby men know ANYTHING about religion.<br />
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I feel forced to loudly recognize my religion and to proclaim my Muslimness. To make sure I behave, and people like me and then be like "Hey guys!! I'm a Muslim, you see? You don't have to hate us, we're cool"<br />
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And it's awkward.<br />
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It's awkward because, I am just a "regular" (if that means ANYTHING at all) American. I listen to rock and roll. I celebrate the 4th of July. I grew up in a trailer in a small town. I lived in Alaska for 2 years. I raved my ass off during the turn of the MILLENNIUM, literally AND figuratively. I am STILL rocking out to metal, still in love with goth and punk rock culture. I am a "bleeding heart" liberal (my Stepdad used to call me that from the age of 13 up) for the most part, and my religion is what made me so. So it's awkward to be put in the position of loudly defending your religion in public for all to see and ponder. And I am sure someone reading this will think to themselves, "well you don't have to". And while I would like to agree, how can I when I am <i>constantly </i>being told us "peaceful" Muslims need to speak out? </div>
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People (my friends) say we need to denounce terrorism. We need to prove that Islam is not evil.We need to show them how our religion is a religion of peace, because they see on the interwebs a bunch of Quranic verses, taken out of context and thrown into a discussion, and think that is all there is to it. I would like to <i>think </i>my friends know me enough to know I do not support DAESH and their interpretation of Islam, and that I would not leave the Catholic church to convert to a religion that promotes violence and evil. I would like to <i>think </i>that who I am as a person, while not perfect, would speak for my values. Especially in the capacity DAESH unloads it. But that isn't enough. And I don't know what is going to be enough. I am asked for proof, and when I give it, I am not believed and my proposal that one can and should do their own research since I am not believed, is rejected. I am asked for explanations of verses, hadith, things people have heard or read or seen on TV, yet silenced because it's "not true" and they know more about my religion than I do. And again, refusal to do one's own research, or use resources I extend to them.<br />
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I see ugly, ignorant memes in my Facebook news feed about killing Muslims. About getting rid of the Muslims that are here, as if Muslims aren't also American. I see untrue "information" being passed around as though people have have studied this religion and are absolute experts, when the reality is that even the scholars who have spent over 20 years studying Islam don't consider themselves experts. They are STILL learning. In Islam, the seeking of knowledge never ends.<br />
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I don't want to have to discuss religion. It is emotionally and mentally taxing, its a personal thing, and it is a sensitive subject to those who are religious, and those whose chosen ideology is atheism. For some God awful reason, it comes between brothers, friends,and strangers even though the message,in the end, is the same. <br />
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But if I don't, I'm with the extremists. <br />
If I don't, we Muslims aren't peaceful. <br />
If I don't, I am not speaking out against the murder, rape, beheading, and crucifixion of innocent people both Christian, and the majority Muslims.<br />
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Of course I want to defend my religion. But having to defend it to the assholes that are using it to justify their violence AND to my fellow Americans is exhausting. The ignorant extremists, I get. They are ignorant, desperate, misfits of their places of origin, lonely and seeking the power of fear because they have been cast aside from their societies. They have a collective psychological problem and they are not scholars or students of religion.<br />
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But the Americans....Americans are not supposed to be ignorant. We are not supposed to be oppressive out of fear. We are not supposed to be the haters with black hearts. We are supposed to be smarter, stronger and more compassionate than that. So I do not have an excuse for my countrymen to be acting like the very people they are so afraid of.<br />
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And so, I'm going to do my best to keep my thoughts, outbursts, answers to questions, religious discussion and EVERYTHING related, to my blog. I don't like status updates, I don't like bombarding people's news feeds with links and mini speeches and pictures. And if people give a shit about what I think or want to talk about Islam, they can come here and we can do that. But I'm not arguing about, or having deep religious conversations about religion on Facebook anymore.</div>
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I would like to leave this post with a sentiment shared by my family, my friends in the Ummah, and the Imams I have learned from:</div>
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<strong>DAESH is not of our people. Their actions and ideology goes against everything Islam and Muslims stand for. They are going AGAINST the teachings of Islam.</strong></div>
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<strong>We do not condone or sanctify their terror. </strong></div>
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<strong>We do not condone or sanctify violence and murder. </strong></div>
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<strong>We are not your enemy, nor you ours.</strong></div>
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Those men are after us <em>AND </em>you. And we are making it easy for them.</div>
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that womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06729564454357031477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2698358192165691340.post-18146778810160892852014-12-26T02:10:00.001-08:002015-07-15T22:49:39.154-07:00Christmas and the Glorious Birth of Jesus: 'Peace be upon me the day I was born’ | MuslimVillage.com<a href="http://muslimvillage.com/2014/12/25/60888/christmas-glorious-birth-jesus-peace-upon-day-born/#.VJ00Jv-ZPRU.blogger">Christmas and the Glorious Birth of Jesus: 'Peace be upon me the day I was born’ | MuslimVillage.com</a>that womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06729564454357031477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2698358192165691340.post-68634005801813785552014-05-29T18:24:00.000-07:002015-07-15T23:08:09.988-07:00Progress?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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The fact that a year went by and I didn't write a word is disturbing. It is telling of my relationship with Islam I believe. A visual meter of my Muslimness. Maybe the kuffar-callers were right after all :P<br>
Instead of this blog being about the answers as to why I converted, and showing the people around me that Muslims are good people with a similar set of beliefs to theirs, it is becoming more about the journey through this spiritual experience, and leaving me with more questions than I seem to be able to answer, both about the religion, and about myself.</div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br></div>
that womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06729564454357031477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2698358192165691340.post-68017227436447685512013-05-19T13:06:00.000-07:002013-06-16T10:23:18.920-07:00Welcome to 2013 (Part II)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Through luck and the magnificence of social networking I have slowly come into contact with other Muslims (who would perhaps be called moderates or progressives in the sub-sectarian divisions of Muslims we like to impose on ourselves) across the city who have been seeking something else. Something other than what the mosques have to offer. A place where equality, tolerance and acceptance are provided for in accordance with Islamic principles, Islamic worship and maybe even a bit of education. Where converts (and the LGBT community) are welcomed and comfortable. Where there is real community, and real cohesion despite cultural/scholarly/sectarian diversity. <br />
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A wonderful woman here who has since moved away, planted the seeds for a SLC chapter of <a href="http://mpvusa.org/" target="_blank">Muslims For Progressive Values</a>.When I joined their national group, I was not so sure about them...after all, I am more conservative than people think/know, however with my experience in the local mosque (which I found is an echo of many of the convert women before me here) and the intolerance and exclusion I have seen...my values are much more in line with that of<a href="http://mpvusa.org/our-principles/" target="_blank"> MPV</a>, and the local people I have met have been amazing. The woman who started it all had a great impact on me, telling me some of the best things I needed to hear another Muslim say to me in order to unblock my own path and be ok with who I am and my relationship with God, and my relationship with Islam. </div>
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While they are not quite up and running, we are slowly meeting socially and getting to know one another. The two people left in charge I have no doubt will ensure the organization gets off to a productive and meaningful start, and there are already quite a few others who have connected through MPV SLC's start-up group. At first I had my doubts....but upon meeting the other members, I am so grateful that someone here in this city took the initiative to start a chapter.</div>
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I also have to admit...the events in Boston also had a hand in pushing me over the teetering edge of being sure I wanted to be a part of MPV. But I suppose that should be the next blog post.</div>
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that womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06729564454357031477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2698358192165691340.post-19762036544825694552013-05-19T09:58:00.000-07:002013-06-16T10:23:18.903-07:00Welcome to 2013 (Part I)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I didn't realize quite how long it had been since I had written anything on my Muslimness. I had to read the last post to remember where I was when I last spewed my guts about the raw experience of being the Muslim me. Wow...it was a LONG time ago. (I did insert a post from another blog I wrote in January. I didn't post it in here at the time but it is relevant so I added it in)<br />
The Yoga Rave wasn't all that. It was sort of weird (although granted it was their first time putting one on, and I have noticed the flyers and posters have gotten more abundant over the last few months so perhaps they know what they are doing a little better now) but it was fun. However I have to admit the conservative Muslim and the Catholic little girl in me was a bit freaked out by the huge various portraits of Vishnu. <br />
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There was some singing, chanting type activity in the Temple Room (complete with statues and incense and flowers, it was quite beautiful) where people were really having a good time. I liked it...as an observer. I don't think I could ever fully participate because I am quite sure I don't feel the elated spirituality they seem to. I WISH I could find that elated spirituality. I feel like I had it when I was a child, found it again for a little while as an adult, and now I feel like a bitter little kid refusing to grow up, demanding someone take me back to Sunday School and all things loving and merciful and kind. Which leads me back to...exactly where?<br />
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It appears the last post was on the first Friday night that the lights went out on the women's meeting at Masjid Al-Nour. I am sure part of my not having a good time at the Yoga Rave event was that fact. That place I held SO dear, those women I love SO much, those amazing memories, those times of peace, of community, of the kids running around, playing, having fun, the hugging, the salaams, the never knowing if it is 3 kisses or 4 (I heard somewhere 3 is sunnah so I stuck with that), the dessert and chatter and the getting to know each other, so many of us, all so different and from all over, united by the one thing that brought us there together...(Islam)....just gone. </div>
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*poof*</div>
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..like it never was. That event and those surrounding it, along with the pure meanness of the people involved was one of the few things that has happened in my life that really, truly broke something inside of me. </div>
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But it's ok. I got my spark back</div>
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The women's meeting found a new home in the a different local Masjid...this one is known as the Somali Masjid. (We also have a Bosnian one, an "Iraqi" one, the Turks get together on their own, there is a "Pakistani" masjid (the ones in quotes are not officially deemed as such but there are mostly attended and run by the various cultures all split up but grouped together) and the one I used to go to was frequented by everyone, Americans, Arabs, Somalis, Bosnians, Pakistanis, Indians, Bangladeshis...EVERYONE. it was beautiful. But alas, all good things must come to an end and the end of that experience has been met. <br />
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I went to the meetings there for a few of them. It was nice, never quite the same as the times we had at Masjid Nour, never as comfortable. Of course we are blocked off in the back from the men and separated by a portable wall like an office cubicle. We had a potluck for a newspaper writer that fasted in January (Ramadan the fast is too long) to get the experience Muslims get during Ramadan. She wrote about it last year and decided to repeat the experience this year because she enjoyed it. Partly because of the recent religious politics of the community and partially because of the (culturally influenced) restrictive atmosphere of the Masjid in the name of Islam, it was quite embarrassing and we are so lucky the writer is a nice Mormon lady who won't badmouth us. Because any other religion writer for a newspaper would have had some awesome fodder for a juicy anti-Muslim story. I won't even talk about the rest but suffice it to say there is a big problem (not just here but all over apparently) with women's spaces in mosques. However it was not just how we were treated and how she was treated there, it was how few of the Muslim "community" even showed up to celebrate with us. What a way to show we care, we are united with our community, we are willing to be there when a community member reaches out and wants to befriend us....</div>
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WHAT A JOKE.</div>
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I should have been done then. And I thought I was. But it would take just a little bit more (JUST like it did with the Catholic Church..it felt very similar when it happened) to really finally push me over the edge with the Muslim Community as I have come to know it here in Utah. When I finally had the courage to walk away from the Catholic Church, I retained my Faith in God, my love of Jesus and his teachings, my belief in God's message and the belief that I will be rightly guided. Just as now, having the courage to finally walk away from the Utah Muslim Community as I have gotten to know it, I maintain my Islam, my infallible belief in God, in His message (however it reaches people) and I WHOLEHEARTEDLY believe in enjoining good and forbidding evil. And so the story goes on, and a new chapter begins. Alhumdulillah for everything and how it all happens. God knows the right time and place for everything, yet I am always amazed at divine opportunities and how perfectly they fit when presented. </div>
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that womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06729564454357031477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2698358192165691340.post-38608630729350619542013-01-16T11:06:00.000-08:002013-06-16T10:23:18.913-07:00 Trying to Hold on to Islam<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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This morning started off with this beautiful moment..caught
perfectly. I made the mistake of sharing it in a Muslim women's group
and my happy morning went south. "Astugfirallah" was the reaction (May
God forgive). As far as I know children are not held responsible yet for
performing the 5 daily prayers..and therefore are not sinning or
required to seek forgiveness. And everyone with a kid knows..when they
see a camera it's hammy time! I deleted the post right away.I didn't
even want to argue. I am past the point of arguing. Past the point of
caring almost..but not quite there yet. I shouldn't care really...I
shouldn't let it get to me. More and more I feel like I am NOT one of
"them" and they are pushing me away and out so why do I insist that I
am? Every joy is a HARAM, every day I work I am HARAM, watching a movie
with my daughter... HARAM..laughing out loud..HARAM. Can i breathe? Can I
smile? Can I see beauty without condemning it? Can one moment of pure,
unfiltered joy in the giggle and peace sign flash of a little boy just
be OK???<br />
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I am finding it so hard to reconcile my life...who I
am..how I feel..how I love...how I live..with this version of Islam that
requires me to be someone different than who I am. Different than who
God made me. I am STRUGGLING to hold on to Islam. STRUGGLING. And
moments like these I am really just at a loss for how and why this
religion is so incredibly difficult,When it was NOT supposed to be. But
then again..that's according to the Islam I know...which apparently is
wrong...so who knows? People around here are a lot more interested in
being extreme and righteous and "pious" to give any time or effort into
building a community with kuffars. Even the group of converts we have
cannot seem to make building a community or safe space for us a
priority..so why am I trying? Why do I care? I find myself in this
position all the time. Questioning why am I doing this? I don't question
my faith in God,or in His oneness and omnipotence, I don't question
Judgement Day, I don't question Quran...but I question what it is to BE a
Muslim. I question whether this is really the path I am wanting to go
down...because it just doesn't feel right.</div>
that womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06729564454357031477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2698358192165691340.post-26706973358017220392012-09-06T23:56:00.000-07:002013-06-16T10:23:18.906-07:00Pendulum<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Back and forth, back and forth...my </span>religiosity<span style="font-family: inherit;"> has been swinging like a pendulum. The more I want or try to embrace Islam...the more I feel turned off by it. One day I really just want NOTHING to do with any of it, and I want to RUN to church and just sit in the pews and cry and cry and cry and cry. The next day I want to get up and going...start implementing the ideas all the women have had...do our own thing which we have been saying forever, or really get these guys and girls to WORK with me. ( Or is it that subconsciously I cannot stand not being accepted as a member of the community?? I have NEVER had an easy time of being able to blow off not being accepted or liked...)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />The truth is...I miss my comfort zone. I miss that peace inside that I got from praying at church. Those doses of peace in my heart I could always get in that sacred space meant for reflection and worship. Though I found my truth in the religion of Islam...(at least I thought I did...truth is starting to be blurry now...) I cannot find any peace (I know..I keep saying that). Not the kind I had when I was young and was so sure about only one thing: </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">My belief in God. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />Ramadan was awful...made me really think about whether I am really in this or not? And I still cannot answer that. I do not doubt God, or his infinite omnipotence. I do not doubt the Prophets...I do not doubt the Quran. But I doubt what I am doing...where I am going...what I am (not) involved in. Flashes of my previous life keep running through my head and I keep wondering...why did I choose this again? To be better? To be happier? To become a part of something good? Because...those things are eluding me. This life right now is not what I thought it would be, nor anything like what I wanted. My spirituality has not grown...rather it is suffocating. I am taking a step back and looking and going...is this really what I want? Is this really the path I choose? There is a rock on my chest I cannot lift off. There is an ache in my soul that will NOT stop throbbing. It will NOT go away. And thinking about religion..especially this one I have chosen..makes it WORSE and to be honest it scares me because I did not see this coming. I saw my faith as something beautiful and I respected it so much...even before my shahada (profession of faith). At this moment...right now...I have a hard time looking at Arabic script without feeling like I want to roll my eyes.<br /><br />I know I am not alone, I know many others have felt this way. But I cannot help but worry and wonder...how this is all going to turn out for me. Was I wrong to think this was the right path ? Or was I right and I need to buck up and throw myself in? One thing is for sure...I cannot keep teeter-tottering. I have to find a way to deal with myself, and my feelings. Sort out my thoughts. And get on that path to </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Peace, Love, Unity, Respect</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">(a.k.a. P.L.U.R. to the old ravers...who in my opinion are the coolest, most compassionate, DOWNEST subculture I have had the pleasure to </span>experience being a part of. )<br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">On that note...there is a Yoga-Rave (drug and </span>alcohol<span style="font-family: inherit;"> free) at the Krishna Temple tonight. I cannot WAIT to go. Yoga and Mantra Dance, chanting and TRANCE TECHNO!!!!....right up my alley...I am thinking tomorrow evening..I will feel much, much BETTER :)<br />♥Alhumdulillah for EVERYTHING in this life ♥</span></div>
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that womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06729564454357031477noreply@blogger.com1Here and Now40.7607793 -111.891047440.5683443 -112.2069044 40.953214300000006 -111.57519040000001tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2698358192165691340.post-2230159305716467532012-08-01T16:34:00.001-07:002013-06-16T10:23:18.904-07:00Bismillah<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i style="background-color: black; color: skyblue; font-family: 'trebuchet ms', 'lucida grande', 'lucida sans unicode', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;"><strong>"Bismillaah ir Rahmaan ir Raheem" </strong></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">We are supposed to say this to ourselves before we set out to any task. Thus showing our love for God...our offering of every action in His name. It is a means to keep purity behind our actions and our intentions...a reminder that our deeds and thoughts should be directed toward the good...on the right path.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">When I was younger, a practicing Catholic, I would ask for things in Jesus' name...to ensure my prayers were heard and answered. Now that I am older...and Muslim (at least I still think I am...) the idea of my every action being an act of gratitude and worship...and a direct opportunity to praise God with every undertaking is a route to have my prayers heard that makes a lot more sense. Not that I do it. It is one of the most beautiful phrases to hear...even to say, feels beautiful. Yet I hardly EVER remember to say it before I set out to do things. Perhaps if I DID...I would remember what my intentions were when I converted. What I was thinking. Which was...all about GOD. Not about people or community or others.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">It was about my infallible belief in that absolute, higher power and my willingness to submit to what I found to be the absolute truth.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Which is that God exists, in a realm and as an entity we cannot describe, understand or even imagine. And that there is only ONE God. With NO others by His side. "Iyyaka na'budu wa iyyaka nasta'een" ("You alone we worship, You alone we ask for help", from Surah Fatihah (The Opening), Qur'an. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I NEED to remember my intentions in seeking and then finding my truth. It was to be better. To be better at being a human. To be better at being a mother. To be better at living in harmony on this earth with the 7 billion others. I need to find a way to get back on THAT track. Forget about the rest.</span></div>
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</div>that womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06729564454357031477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2698358192165691340.post-12929146970670109102012-07-29T19:19:00.001-07:002013-06-16T10:23:18.900-07:00Doubt<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms', 'lucida grande', 'lucida sans unicode', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: 'century gothic';"><span style="color: #444444;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"></span></span></span><span style="color: white;">"I have nothing but your generosity to put my hope in. Nothing. For I stand at Your door holding broken scraps…and yet you open. Save me from this storm. I am the most helpless of all your slaves. And I’m lost. Wandering in the middle of a forest trying to find my way. But all the tress look the same, and each path just leads back to the beginning. No one finds their way out of this forest—except whom You save. Save me. For truly, truly I cannot save myself."</span><span></span></span></span></span></span></span></h2>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span></span><span style="color: white;">I saw this posted today...and I felt like it was speaking for me. Everything I have learned, (and not learned), felt, experienced, thought...at this point is on the shelf..above me...and I am looking at it and wondering if it has all taken me to where I thought I wanted to go. And the truth is...that I am no longer sure.</span></span></span></span></span></h3>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span></span><span style="color: white;">In a few days I will be able to fast again inshallah...I almost feel like a traitor though. Because my heart is not in it. I feel like I am fasting to keep a connection with the religion I chose but have grown so distant from. And not for the reasons I should be. Here in my last post I said that Muslimness and my life were now one...and now, a week ,later..I don't feel like a Muslim anymore. I don't feel my values reflected in the community, in don't feel like a part of it either. I am beginning to wonder if I ever really was.</span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;"><span></span><span></span>I am so confused about so many things. I feel so hopeless and so lonely and even though I know there are a lot of others who feel like me, and many others who need and crave the community I also seek...but it doesn't change anything. That community does not exist...and the one that does exist here has slowly but surely pushed me out the door and let it smack me in the butt on the way out. I have to admit, I am a little stunned at how easy it was for it all to get to me. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I had so much more fight in me. But I don't. Why stick around somewhere you are not wanted? It's just dumb. And it will hurt me I'm sure more than it will help. In fact, that is the whole reason I have taken a step back from all of this lately. The only community iftar I have attended resulted in me leaving in a hurt and angry hurry because a close friend of mine took a comment made by another sister and turned it into something it wasn't and ended it with her calling me a racist. I almost didn't go that night anyway..but I did..and I was really sorry I did. I have avoided the mosque entirely because it stirs up strong, awful emotions that really hurt. And the masjid should be a place where one finds peace. But it is not anymore. Not for me. And I hope and pray I can find my way back to the Islam that I love so much. I pray that my heart and eyes and ears have not been sealed. </span></span></span>
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that womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06729564454357031477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2698358192165691340.post-35904730453878442422012-07-25T14:06:00.006-07:002013-06-16T10:23:18.911-07:00Ramadan 2012<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I was going to write a post everyday for Ramadan, documenting my experience...however, the first day I got really sick..and the second day, I was unable to fast and will be until next week. So that's that. besides that...I am not feeling it. I mean, I am... more than any other Ramadan I have experienced, but at the same time, I am really not. I feel distant from it. for the first time, I felt a little excitement, and anticipation knowing it was coming...yet at the same time, it feels a little unsure...like I am just not quite comfortable with it all. I find out more and more all the time about what I "should" be doing (more like what I should NOT be doing), along with the fasting and I feel like an awful person. I am trying my best to learn and to live this religion, but what I know and have learned seems to be contrary to what I see and have been involved in. I am having a real struggle (jihad) within myself as to whether I am/have been/will be doing the right thing in regards to every choice I have made in pursuing my spirituality on such a larger scale and to such a degree that it makes my head spin and feel like it's impossible for me to ever be a good Muslim. I CHOSE this. I CHOSE to be active, to pursue a community, to seek service, to manifest the love and gratefulness I have for GOD into something on this Earth that CAN be seen....but maybe I went about it all the wrong way.<br />
I have been told quite often by someone I respect so much that I should worry only about myself. Not anyone else. I had a hard time with this statement. I don't feel as though that is what I am supposed to do...I feel so much more in me...how can I worry ONLY for myself when there is SO MUCH good work to be done and no one is jumping in and doing it or inspiring the community to jump start itself!!! To me that's the WHOLE PROBLEM! However, with recent events, and the 2 weeks I took off I can see a tiny bit more clearly why this person's advice may be my best advice to take. I like to think that things don't bother me, that I don't allow them to affect me, but I am finally going to admit that this is not true :)<br />
My spirituality is HUGE in my life, and I made it even bigger by throwing myself into trying to get everyone else on board...when people just aren't ready, or been there done that, or for whatever reason...are just not interested. I have met a dozen American women converts who were at one time doing similar things, trying to organize, do some good, build community..regularly attending the Masjid. their experiences make me feel like I am not alone, but at the same...make me feel total shame and hopelessness that the situation seems to have always been this way. I am not coming onto a community that has not TRIED to DO something. I have come into a community where those who have tried have been beaten down to the point of just not being around anymore. And so the community stays stagnant. No programs, services, fellowship, no leadership. The toll it has taken on me in all ways has gotten to the point that it's just enough. Enough of all of it. I have 3 things in this life I need to worry about right now. My family, our future and our spiritual growth. There is no longer any room inside my head for very much else right now. I am helping with the Convert Sunday School...and anything else I do is going to have to pertain to my family and us moving forward somehow. And I have to find my own Islam. I have a hard time believing the example I have seen is the true Islam. And I know it is not mine.<br />
I got in a bit of trouble over writing about the goings on. And even though it is not my way to shut up and let things I see as wrong happen...I respect those angry at me for it enough to drop it entirely. I won't speak about it publicly...as long as I am not involved in any of it anymore. And I am sorry to anyone who I offended by sharing what has been happening in the community but on that same note...I do not believe silence is an answer to 30 years of corruption and mismanagement of a community. I think loud voices are, strong faith, and honest, compassionate and dedicated leadership is. And if we do not raise our voices and demand these things...how will we get them? What makes us look bad is not trying to change things that are wrong...it's NOT CHANGING THEM in order not to look bad!!!!! Silence=Complacency. We stay quiet and those who are hurting others will continue.<br />
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I'll be posting Muslim stuff here...for the Moment...everything else I have allover the web I am collecting and moving onto Opera. No more stuff floating around everywhere. I want to keep the writing up...and I don't feel anymore like the issues of my Muslim ad my "other" life are separate anymore....so we'll see how things turn out. Maybe I will move the WHOLE thing over and only have the one blog anymore. Maybe. Til then, it's here. And I am posting it right now :)</div>that womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06729564454357031477noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2698358192165691340.post-90107886061052155352012-07-07T01:39:00.002-07:002013-06-16T10:23:18.922-07:00Friday Night<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Alhumdulillah...tonight was good. The women's masjid was open (talk about a head trip with all the locking and the unlocking) but I am not sure it was on purpose. Regardless...it was open and we were able to sit in the masjid together and do what we do. What we do, may not seem like much. However, for some of us...like me...it is all we have, and it keeps us connected to our sisters in Islam, and helps to keep us in the Faith.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> The fairness which one woman in particular is able to bestow upon people and situations that are so negative and volatile inspires me and makes me feel like a crappy person at the same time. Her patience with matters that are so intense is EXACTLY what all the goings on call for...and I am so thankful she is here to be the voice of (I cringe to say it) reason..and tolerance. As one sister said..."<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">The most beautiful bridge over troubled waters in Utah"</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">, </span>and that she certainly is. She laid out the Executive Committee's case for wanting to shut down the meeting and asked for ways to help solve an negotiate the problem while pleasing both parties. The women are adamant about having access to their masjid. Most of the other things seem up for compromise or sacrifice...but the building being closed to us is not. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px;"> I am not always the most reasonable of people when put in an emotional or defensive situation. I </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px;">can</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px;"> usually see clearer as time passes and I think about things. And I can be persuaded pretty easily into tolerance and compromise. Reason...not so easy to talk me into. I think I have been reasonable though...considering all the factors. It is frustrating though that my dear sister does not know all the facts...and only knows what is being presented as facts for the argument in favor of shutting down the halaqa. However it works in our favor that the information presented to her is "just the facts" about justifying the closure of the women's masjid, because those things can all be handled and problems solved pretty easy. It is the personal attacks and the personal power plays that do the real damage and are hard to solve, and alhumdulillah she is NOT one to play those games. I don't like to play them either, but admittedly it is not to hard to make me mad and suck me in to fighting back. Especially when my kid is involved.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> The meeting was wonderful though. Women I have not met yet, women I have not seen in a long time, and women I respect and admire so much were all there. The group was big, and it was so wonderful to be with those women...like it always is. There is a Pot-Luck next week at the Masjid, and more negotiations to take place about how we can have our meetings back. So for now...tonight I can sleep at peace. So GOODNIGHT beautiful world...I cannot wait to see you tomorrow</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> </span></span></div>that womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06729564454357031477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2698358192165691340.post-56059008913929557202012-07-05T22:43:00.001-07:002013-06-16T10:23:18.919-07:00Waiting and Seeing<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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At dinner with some other Muslimahs this evening, the topic of conversation of what we are going to do came up. Do we stand our ground and keep showing up, and demand they let us into the Women's side (if all they really want is the air conditioning bill paid, we can do it) to continue? Ramadan is coming in 2 and a half weeks and we don't meet then anyway...and we don't know what they have told the woman they chose to speak with about the situation. And although I love this woman to death...she will be as kind as possible in relaying whatever messages they have, and leave out anything harmful. I love her. And maybe it's for the best. Being accused behind my back of misdeeds, having my daughter picked on, being POINTEDLY excluded from the conversation because of my race (actually it's opposite..it's because of what race I am NOT)..all has me in a bit of an angry ball. And really, this is not going to get me anywhere.</div>
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Some women want to stand our ground and not budge, keep attending Masjid Noor because it is not something they can do...exclude us. Even though what we are supposedly being accused of are all lies...they are things we can immediately solve. We COULD and WOULD donate to the masjid if we knew where the money went or if it actually went into the masjid or the community. But we don't know where it goes and there are no improvements or necessary materials. Now we are being told the cost of the air conditioning is too much to let us continue to use the facility (The Great Irony: The Air Conditioning unit and installation was donated to the masjid by a Kuwaiti woman who was visiting a couple years ago because it was so hot for the women..so the "Society" didn't even get it themselves for the ladies..A VISITING WOMAN BOUGHT IT FOR THE WOMEN!!!!!). If they want us to pay the bills we will. We can.They said it was dirty all the time. Even though the women clean up after every meeting, Sunday School cleans after themselves, and the old Imam's sons would come every Thursday to clean it too. But if they want, we can clean it white glove style EVERY week. They don't approve of our materials...ok...then provide some for us.. preferably materials we have had a hand in selecting as it is for us and our benefit. See? All problems easily solved. We could even get materials OURSELVES so they don't have to pay. Hell, if they want cash to rent the space we could pay them. Whatever.</div>
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Then there are some women who just want to walk away and start our own thing. We could rent our own place together and do all the things they have been wanting and asking for. The converts want their own place where they feel welcome too. For those who want to just stop going to Noor and do our own thing Now is the time. As for me, I have no idea which I want to do. And I don't know what the "Executive Committee" has said to the woman who runs the Friday Meeting, so I cannot really make a clear call. A friend posted a quote from a sermon of Imam Ali when I logged on this evening and it made my heart soften and remember just how complicated this all is when brothers and sisters in faith turn on each other. And really, I don't want ANY fighting, or splitting, or nonsense. I just want Utah's Ummah to UNITE.<br /></div>
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</div>that womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06729564454357031477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2698358192165691340.post-31345821151659565432012-07-05T01:21:00.000-07:002013-06-16T10:23:18.908-07:00The Journey Continues...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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My journey has not been what I imagined. I thought the rough seas were the outside world...struggling to stay afloat outside the Muslim Community would be the hard part. While it certainly has it's challenges, it is by far not the hard part ( for me). The rough seas for me have been the inner pool of the community. Struggling to keep my faith, my smile, my heart softened...I have found the hardest parts of this journey have been from within the place I thought I would be finding comfort, tolerance, forgiveness, and inclusiveness. At this point in the road...peace is elusive. And I am not supposed to talk about. We don't talk about our problems, we don't share them with the outside world...we just let it be and we stay silent. I was convinced that for the sake of my religion and just because this is how things are done that it was ok. It was somewhat easier to keep my mouth shut, my feelings to myself and try and make a change in order to report back the goodness that has been found. But I do not think that anymore, and I do not believe my staying silent IS the right thing to do. </span></h4>
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I am sharing this ride, documenting every piece and I stopped doing that when things got complicated and messy and I didn't want to start any fires. Now I wish I had that back up and all those entries I lost about the workings and the events and the complicated politics of the Society here. Most of it is fresh, it's only been a year since things started being complicated (for ME anyway)...but still, I want the look back to be untainted by the feelings I have in the NOW. Because there are a lot of good things about the Muslim Community here. And no matter what goes on with the tainted few that ruin that ruin the bunch...that is the part I want people to take from this experience of mine. The <b>GOOD in the Ummah</b>. I am going to post everyday, document like my intention was in the first place...catch up the recent events. Because even though there is fodder for some good drama, there are some amazing people and wonderful things right in there with it. I want ALL of it noted down, taken in, sensed by those who see this. I firmly believe we can turn things around and make this a functioning, active society fully contributing to the communities in which we live, through simple <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sadaqah" target="_blank">*<i><b>sadaqa</b></i> </a>(for you Muslims, remember even a smile can be sadaqa). Which is really the best form of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dawah" target="_blank">*<i style="font-weight: bold;">dawah</i></a>.</span></h4>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you have stayed tuned, you know about the ooey gooey mess that I was discovering this community is. Our (Utah's Muslimahs) efforts to jump start some good works (NECESSARY works in this community) and some community cohesion seemed to be sort of working. Sort of. I should have gone with my gut and ran away after my first and only meeting with the Islamic Society's President. He rules the Society with an iron fist, he has a complete disregard and utmost disrespect for the members of the community...especially it seems American women. He is the one who said to form a group of women and report back and we can get started on some things the women and converts and other community members would like to get going. He blew me off for a year. We organized somewhat anyway, and now we are being accused of all sorts of "misdeeds" and being punished by having our meetings and our community center taken away.<br /> The women have been sporadically locked out of the masjid <span style="background-color: white;">(a house next to the men's masjid bought</span><span style="background-color: white;"> </span><i style="background-color: white;">specifically</i><span style="background-color: white;"> </span><span style="background-color: white;">for the women's use) </span><span style="background-color: white;">on Friday evenings, </span><span style="background-color: white;">and when I asked why and how to solve it and refused a demand to be "cross-examined" (his words) for something they would not tell me about on a day we had plans..I promptly got told I was upset and disrespectful, and my name and number and email were taken off the website immediately. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> We have now been told that the house bought for the women is no longer their masjid. The Friday meetings are now over after this week. They are changing the way we do things and telling us we are not allowed to meet there. I am being accused of raising money for some other masjid (total nonsense), "misleading" the women when I don't lead anything but dessert-time, my child is being talked about (This is partly why this fight is ON now...don't mess with a Mama and her baby), and I am betting I am deemed "not a part of Islamic Society" by it's President. TRY and kick me out. TRY and kick my child out.<br /> My accusers will not face me, will not say what they are saying behind my back to my face, and WON'T meet with me or talk to me or work with me (that stopped a long time ago anyway). I have the right to be accused to MY FACE, ESPECIALLY by a group of big, bad-ass men. If they are so big and bold and righteous...WHY can they not call me out TO MY FACE??<br /> This has all only just begun.This time I am documenting all of it. No more waiting around to smooth things over and to see if we can develop some goodness. We are supposed to fight oppression...and actually, when Muslims fight with each other, we should convince other believers to our side (or they must convince us to theirs) until we stand united again. <b>This</b> is the Islamic way. And here is my dalil (proof) </span><br />
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وَإِنْ طَائِفَتَانِ مِنَ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ اقْتَتَلُوا فَأَصْلِحُوا بَيْنَهُمَا فَإِنْ بَغَتْ إِحْدَاهُمَا عَلَى الْأُخْرَى فَقَاتِلُوا الَّتِي تَبْغِي حَتَّى تَفِيءَ إِلَى أَمْرِ اللَّهِ فَإِنْ فَاءَتْ فَأَصْلِحُوا بَيْنَهُمَا بِالْعَدْلِ وَأَقْسِطُوا إِنَّ اللَّهَ يُحِبُّ الْمُقْسِطِينَ <span style="white-space: nowrap;"><span style="font-size: medium;">﴿49:9﴾</span></span> </div>
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(49:9) If two parties of the believers happen to fight,<span id="12"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> *12</span></span> make peace between them.<span id="13"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> *13</span></span> But then, if one of them transgresses against the other, fight the one that transgresses<span id="14"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> *14</span></span> until it reverts to Allah’s command.<span id="15"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> *15</span></span>And if it does revert, make peace between them with justice,<span id="16"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> *16</span></span> and be equitable for Allah loves the equitable.<span id="17"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span></div>
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*12 Instead of saying: "When two parties of the believers fight mutually", it has been said: °If two parties of the believers fall to mutual fighting." From these words it by itself follows that mutual fighting is not the character of the Muslims, nor should it be. It is not expected that being the believers they would fight mutually. However, if such a thing ever happens, the procedure that follows should be adopted. Moreover, the word ta 'ifah has been used for a group instead of firqah: the words ta'ifah and firqah in Arabic are used for a large group and a small group respectively. This also shows that it is indeed a highly offensive state in the sight of Allah in which large groups of the Muslims cannot be expected to be involved.<br />*13 The recipients of this Command are all those Muslims who may not be a party to either of the groups and for whom it may be possible to try to make peace between them. In other words, Allah dces not approve that the other Muslims should just sit and watch the clash when two groups of their own community have fallen to mutual fighting. But whenever such a sad situation arises alI the believers should become concerned and should do whatever they can to bring about peace and reconciliation between the parties. They should urge the parties to desist from fighting; they should exhort them to fear God; their influential people should go and talk to the responsible men of the two sides, should find out the causes of the dispute and do whatever they can to effect reconciliation between them.<br />*14 That is, "The Muslims also should not allow the aggressor to continue his aggression and leave the victim alone, or, still worse, join hands with the aggressor. But their duty is that if all their efforts at reconciliation between the parties fail, they should find out as to who is in the right and who is the aggressor. Then they should join hands with the one who is in the right and fight the aggressor. As this fighting has been enjoined by Allah, it is obligatory and comes under Jihad,' it is not the fitnah (mischief) about which the Holy Prophet has said: "It is a situation in which the one standing is bettor than the one moving, and the one sitting is better than the one standing" For that fitnah implies the mutual fighting of the Muslims in which the parties might be fighting out of bigotry, or for a false sense of honour and worldly possessions and neither may be having the truth on its side. As for the fight that is undertaken in support of the group who is in the right against the aggressor, it is not taking part in the fitnah but carrying out Allah's Command. All the jurists arc agreed on its bring an obligation, and there was no difference of opinion among the Holy Prophet's Companions about its being obligatory. (AI-Jassas, Ahkam al-Qur'an). Some jurists even regard it as superior to Jihad itself and their reasoning is that Hadrat 'AIi spent the entire period of his caliphate in fighting against the rebels instead of performing Jihad against the disbelievers. (Ruh al-Ma ani). If a person argues that it was not obligatory because Hadrat `Abdullah bin `Umar and some other Companions had not participated in the wars fought by Hadrat `Ali, he would be in the wrong. Ibn 'Umar himself says: "I have never been so much grieved at heart on anything as on account of this verse as to why I did not fight the rebels as enjoined by Allah. " (Hakim, al-Mustadrik).<br />The Command to "fight" the aggressor does not necessarily mean that he should be fought with the weapons and killed, but it implies the use of force against him, the real object being the removal of his aggression. For this object whatever force is necessary should be used, and no more and no less force should be used than what is absolutely necessary.<br />The addressees of this Command are the people who have the power to repel the aggression by the use of force.<br />*15 This shows that the fighting is not meant to punish the rebel (the aggressing pang) for his rebellion (aggression), but to force him to return to the Command of AIIah. Allah's Command unplies that the rebel group should submit to what isright according to the Book of Allah and the Sunnah of the Messenger of AIIah, and should give up the attitude and conduct that amounts to aggression according to this criterion of the truth. As soon as a rebel group becomes ready and willing to follow this Command, use of force against it should be stopped, for this is the actual object of the fighting and its target. The one who commits an excess after this would himself become the aggressor. As for this as to what is the truth and what is the aggression in a dispute according to the Book of AIIah and the Sunnah of His Messenger, its determination is inevitably the job of those people of the Ummah, who have the ability to carry out research by virtue of their knowledge and insight<br />*16 The Command is not only to make peace but to make peace with justice and equity. This shows that in the sight of AIIah the peace (and reconciliation) which is brought about only to stop fighting, overlooking the distinction between the truth and falsehood, and in which pressure is used against the party that is in the right to come to terms with the aggressor, is not commendable. True peace is that which is based on justice. This alone can avert disaster and mischief; otherwise the inevitable result of pressing those in the right and encouraging the aggressors would be that the real causes of the evil would remain as they were, rather would go on adding up, and cause the mischief to appear and re-appear over and over.<br /><br />(<a href="http://www.quranenglish.com/tafheem_quran/049.htm" style="background-color: white; font-size: 13pt;">http://www.quranenglish.com/tafheem_quran/049.htm</a>)</div>
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<br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">The last part is what I am talking about at this point. The problems have gone on too long, too many people have been a victim of this "Society"..my story is not a new one..it is as the last line says...."</span>
<span style="line-height: 20px;">the inevitable result of pressing those in the right and encouraging the aggressors would be that the real causes of the evil would remain as they were, rather would go on adding up, and cause the mischief to appear and re-appear over and over " And THIS is what we have here is Salt Lake City. An UNENDING string of mischief, popping up over and over again...and one factor seems to be the one thing that remains the same in each case. It is time this era of Muslims in this city battling each other for some ridiculous and </span><span style="line-height: 20px;">perceived</span><span style="line-height: 20px;"> sense of power comes to a close. I am more than willing to use MY journey as the catalyst to it's overdue END. </span></span><br />
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</div>that womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06729564454357031477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2698358192165691340.post-40037123270532850132012-07-02T22:36:00.002-07:002013-06-16T10:23:18.915-07:00I Need Some Peace<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I am not at peace anymore. Not with any of anything that has been going on. And I am not even sure what it has been (the goings-on). I really need to find some peace. And while I fantasize about entering a church (the Cathedral where I used to go more specifically) to just pray and cry and reflect and try and feel for that feeling that has been missing so long now...I know it is not the church that is going to give me that back. I am not sure how I lost it either, or where...but I need it back. I am not a bad person. I am actually pretty nice, and willing to work together...with others...in order to help build better lives for ALL of us AND our kids. I'm not dropping this anymore. Yes, said it before, but ya know, this time it's for real. I need the old perspective. If I had written while the magic was still happening, I would see things a little more clearly now, or have the benefit of an unbiased lookback. But here I am. Tired, and emotionally spent, spiritually on FIRE and yet completely spiritually dampened. How does that even work?<br />
Anywho<br />
I am tired and I am going to find 5 hours worth of peace behind closed lids now. Tomorrow I can expand. Goodnight crazy world. Inshallah some day I will figure a piece of you out. </div>that womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06729564454357031477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2698358192165691340.post-499369483255412532012-06-03T23:15:00.001-07:002013-06-16T10:23:18.917-07:00The most beautiful sound<a href="http://www.searchtruth.com/quran_recitation/recite.php?refsoft=1#.T8xR-JfiuXs.blogger">Flash Quran Recitation by Mishary Rashed al-Efasy</a><br />
There is no feeling like hearing thisthat womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06729564454357031477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2698358192165691340.post-34257644170824584352012-02-16T12:34:00.000-08:002014-05-29T18:29:55.182-07:00Enjoining good, Forbidding Evil<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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" Enjoining the good and forbidding evil means that we must take an active interest in our communities, and in striving to develop our communities and our religious practices in a way that is healthy, natural, and allows Muslims from all backgrounds to be included and non-Muslims to feel welcome."-</h4>
<br /> This is an awesome article...really addresses a subject that personally I think is a huge problem in the community. Personally I have experienced BEYOND my share of being told how wrong I am, or being looked down on because I do not wear hijab (this is my favorite one to be judged on because it AMAZES me how a piece of cloth gives the illusion one is a good and perfect person, which we all know is RIDICULOUS....), judged before given a chance, and ignored once someone in the community finds out that someone else in the community doesn't like me. And in the end, the only ones hurt were the ones we were supposed to work together to help, and ourselves by NOT going forward with good deeds for the sake of Allah (swt), and instead turning from what our religion teaches, to become the jerk that our religion warns us against being.<br /> So for those of you who have not even given me a chance, or dropped out of a project we were supposed to do because you heard something about me, or dislike that I tell my non-muslim family Merry Christmas, or think I am scandalous because I do not wear hijab (I have never said that I am NOT going to , I am just not there yet, and getting crap for it only seems to delay the wanting to don it full time...yes I know this is MY ego being a jerk) or feel superior to me because you have been blessed with the "true" Islam...You need to take a step back and remember your religion. Maybe I am not as horrible as you think, and maybe those things you were told about me by someone else, are not true. And if you keep treating me and others this way, we won't EVER be able to get along, or work together. ONE UMMAH. Not my Ummah and your Ummah, OUR UMMAH. <br /><br /><br /> <br /><br /><a href="http://www.suhaibwebb.com/personaldvlpt/character/being-religious-without-being-a-jerk/">Being Religious Without Being a Jerk</a><br /> <br /><br /><br /> <br /><br /><br /> <br /></div>
that womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06729564454357031477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2698358192165691340.post-90464317413498354332012-01-17T15:51:00.000-08:002013-06-16T10:23:18.923-07:00Wow. This video could be called "Why I left the Catholic Church" Part I.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNGqrzkFp_4">Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus || Muslim Version || Spoken Word || Response - YouTube</a><br />
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</div><div>So I saw this video today and I was completely blown away. I don't often get deep and serious when it comes to religion, especially when it comes to my own deepest feelings, but this video lays it out. He makes the case for one of the biggest problems I had with what my church taught me, and why Islam called me. I almost didn't watch it because it said on the video that it is not meant to offend, only to point out differences...so I didn't even want to see it. But I am glad I did. Cause this kid's got it right on.</div></div>that womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06729564454357031477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2698358192165691340.post-19357339949404112302011-11-26T12:10:00.001-08:002013-06-16T10:23:18.902-07:00UPDATE Part II: Muslimicity in Salt Lake<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I would be lying at this point, if I kept up the hopeful charade of jump-starting this community into action and developing a more united Ummah with services that extend our religion to our lives and our community, both Muslim and non-Muslim. I know that some who read this may not be pleased with what I have to say, but I am being honest and completely open with my experience in this Community. I apologize in advance if you do not like what I see but please keep in mind this is my experience and my perspective.<br />
A few months ago, I began talking about how we need to be out there, and visible, and active, doing good deeds and becoming known in our community as good people. When the women from the Muslim community got together with the Women of Wasatch, I was not quite understanding why the Islamic Society of Salt Lake was not involved in any way, and I initially had some concerns with doing something while maybe they were also planning a thank you but not announcing it (as is often the case with them, not announcing some things). When things remained quiet from the Society, I began to wonder what it is the Society DOES do. I sent an email to the Imam at Khadeeja Masjid and one to the Imam at Utah Islamic Center. A copy of the letter I sent is <a href="http://islaminaction.wordpress.com/2011/05/29/helping-hand/" target="_blank">here</a>. As you can see from the response, I was (in a very long and winding way) told thank you and good luck! My note to the Imam at UIC was a lot shorter and just asked if there were any services offered to the community or any food assistance or anything of the sort. Here was the response I received from him :<br />
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"<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">As-salam-u-alikum,</span><br />
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Dear Sister,</div>
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We do not have a social service program, such as the one you mentioned on an ongoing basis. We might have a food drive in the Holy Month of Ramadan, but that is about all.</div>
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We can certainly discuss what you have in mind. As a start, UIC would surely like to have something that helps the needy in our communities as well as other communities."</div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"> </span> I was elated to have received such a response. it was exactly what I could hope for. of course my letter to IS was posted several weeks later on the site. The Imam at UIC responded right away. Now to make a VERY, VERY, VERY long story short, I will condense it A LOT, and give you the edited and polished version of the events over the last 6 months.</div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;"> In an attempt to establish some sort of community and activity and partially to correct the incorrect information on the Utah Muslims website, I established an ongoing communication with the President of the Islamic Society. Through this communication, I found out that because of a feud and a split in the community a few years ago, there is a fierce division of "sides" if you will, and a great political wound that appears to not be healing, but instead festering and poisoning the community. At the time I started this communication with him, I did not feel this way. I imagined that time had passed, there were so many new people to the community that have nothing to do with the politics or the divide, there are converts coming in on a constant basis, we have a great need to fill in the community and with Muslims being in the spotlight so much we really need to do some good. I thought maybe they were just unaware of how big the community is (which I still believe), and maybe just don't have the resources to assist and need volunteers or SOMETHING. I had one very disturbing meeting with him, and since then, (even though he promised action and a meeting with me to discuss the community service the sisters wish to contribute), there has been nothing but disappointment and the hesitant realization that what I have been told and what I feared about this Society is correct. And even worse.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;"> This community is so divided, and until I stepped inside I had no idea. There are so many feuds, besides the 'big" one that split the city, so many separated masjids (mostly by race, Turkish, Iraqi, Somali, Bosnian...no American one though...I am pretty sure that would be considered racist) and so much tension and negativity that it seems impossible to come all together and accomplish anything. Unfortunately that includes doing good for those who are in need, which for me has been the most disappointing experiences I have felt. Maybe it is because I grew up in the Catholic Church where feuding is secondary to helping the poor, and helping the poor is a top and well practiced priority within the congregation, that my disappointment cuts so deep. Alhumdulillah for the small circle of people I have around me that have cared for me and my daughter and welcomed us with open arms into the Muslim Community. Our lives would not be the same without them, and I am sure my experience with the religion would not be the same without them either. Because without those core people, my experience, I am almost ashamed to say, has not been so wonderful in dealing with this community here in Salt Lake City, Utah (That's a blog post for a later day). I have to be completely honest...things here are a mess. More than just a mess. A tangled, sticky, gooey, stain. Unity? Compassion? Kindness? Mercy? Charity? These are the things my religion is based on...where are they in this community?</span></div>
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</div>that womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06729564454357031477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2698358192165691340.post-46035887512113330602011-11-26T08:51:00.001-08:002013-06-16T10:23:18.916-07:00UPDATE Part I: Me<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I have so much to say at this point...I am not sure where to start. I think I will update my life first and then in a series of other posts I will update the rest as I tend to be long and rambling. :)<br />
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Mohamed went back to Egypt for a bit. Life without him is definitely rough. I was alone before but somehow it's not the same. Not when you have someone literally step in to your life, scoop you up and fix everything they can, make you safe, make sure you are comfortable, give you everything you need not just to survive but to survive well...and then "poof" , gone. But it's ok. I see and talk to him several times every day, he is amazing like that. And inshallah it won't be long before he is back. Going to Egypt is apparently not an option at the moment. Those of you that have known me forever have to laugh at the fact that once I am in a position to ACTUALLY get to live in the Middle East ( EGYPT nonetheless...never could I have imagined I would be so lucky), a revolution breaks out...in probably one of the only places my friends and family would have been comfortable with me going. Oh the irony. :P Anyway, life goes on right? So I still work my Cafe job and I picked up another at a sushi place close by so time tends to fly. And that is pretty much it for me. SSDD. I wish more people had blogs where I could update myself on them. But my life is an open book, I know others don't quite feel the same, but it'd be nice to know what everyone was really doing and really up to. ♥</div>that womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06729564454357031477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2698358192165691340.post-29539912360947790272011-06-20T19:51:00.000-07:002013-06-16T10:23:18.907-07:00Married<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">A man named Mohamed came into my life recently, and he changed everything, forever in a very short amount of time. He is younger than me, and when we met, I am pretty sure neither of us had a thought that we would ever feel more about each other than just friends, but one day it just changed. I don't know how, I am not even sure why, but it did. We cared about each other more than we expected. When we both realized this, he said that we should get married, so we can legitimately be together, and he can help take care of Jordan and me, and I said yes. And to be honest, the moment my feelings for him became more than I thought they would, everything else just fell into place. He is such a good guy, and so good to me and my daughter. He cares about us, actually CARES and shows it, doesn't just ask me to trust when he says he does. He is smart and ambitious...very ambitious, and capable. He loves his mother, he loves his religion, he loves his country and culture (he is Egyptian;)) and he has a heart of gold. He has already changed our lives for the MUCH MUCH BETTER....but I digress...I'll move it forward.<br />
On Thursday he called and told me we will get married on Saturday. He was not joking. We went to our beloved Imam's house and got married there, with our 2 witnesses and each other. We just did it. I am a little surprised myself, but honestly it was so perfect. It has only been us since the start, we don't want to be a couple unless we are married, we don't have a ton of money to have a big event, and neither of us have family here. So it was appropriate that we did it just ourselves. It was all really so perfect. After we went to the park with the Imam and his wife and kids and that is it. It was beautiful, and simple and perfect. He took care of everything, and I absolutely adore him. I am so happy and so ready for this chapter in my life to begin. I have been waiting for so long to give the love I have in my heart to a man that deserves it. Mohamed does. <br />
</div>that womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06729564454357031477noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2698358192165691340.post-81161030519043771782011-05-11T19:15:00.000-07:002011-05-13T13:32:39.613-07:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">So there was another article on Saturday and there are two women who I know and love interviewed in it. Wow, what a week for the Muslim community!!! Read the article <a href="http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/lifestyle/51744178-80/says-miriam-muslim-mothers.html.csp">here</a>.</div>that womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06729564454357031477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2698358192165691340.post-72973521068859736772011-05-07T08:35:00.000-07:002011-11-26T11:44:50.722-08:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Thursday, May 5th Maysa (one of my favorite women on earth) organized a thank you luncheon for the Women Of Wasatch Presbytarian Church. Women from the congregation that bought Qurans to have distributed at bookstores with a bookmark saying they were not afraid of truth wherever it can be found. <br />
It was short notice so only a few of us were able to attend, however it was really a great experience. I wish I had been better prepared, I didn't get any one's email our give mine out. We did decide we would do this again so I suppose I can do it next time. I didn't realize it was going to be so well documented by the media. I thought there was going to be something about the Women's meeting since there was a photographer and writer at the last meeting. I'm glad it was so well covered, it will get us out there and we can begin a good relationship with the other people of faith who have made a gesture of peace towards us. I am so excited and so happy to see something wonderful beginning! <br />
Here is a link to that article:<br />
www.sltrib.com/sltrib/news/51761532-78/muslim-women-quran-church.html.csp</div>that womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06729564454357031477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2698358192165691340.post-86998317427864556152011-05-02T18:28:00.000-07:002011-05-02T18:28:14.764-07:00Osama<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">I in my living room when my friend Mohamed read the news on the phone. <br />
" Wait, they are saying Bin Laden is dead", he said.<br />
At first I didn't believe it. I frantically searched for the remote knowing full well that there would be a Special Report and interruption of regularly scheduled programming. When I turned on the TV it was all over every station. Osama Bin Laden is dead. I admit, I did feel a surge of joy, I felt a moment of happiness...well, to be honest it was longer than a moment. I watched the president speak, and applauded loudly when he emphasized that we are not at war with Islam, and that Osama was not a Muslim leader, but rather a mass murderer of Muslims. I felt tears for the 9/11 victims, and when they showed yet again the planes crashing into those towers, my stomach, as always, turned and my heart sank. <br />
I know I am going to get a lot of poo for saying this but I am going to say it. I did not like seeing people celebrating so happily. I know he was a bad man. I know the world is a better place without him. but I do not feel like celebrating and rejoicing is human of me. It sucks that ANY of this has happened. I think a more appropriate response would have been to act a little more dignified about it. How...I don't know, but some of the things I saw when watching the people celebrate just didn't feel right to me. I would say the same for the celebration of the death of anybody. A quote I have been seeing pop up all day struck me in the heart when I did...because it sums up perfectly what I am trying to say...<br />
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"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." --Martin Luther King, Jr.</div>that womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06729564454357031477noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2698358192165691340.post-44821655300869530722011-04-26T17:08:00.000-07:002011-04-26T17:08:35.191-07:00Maybe they ARE right...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">I have been listening for so long, and getting defensive and upset for so long, over the same things that are said in the media, in group discussions, by people around me in real life about the same subject over and over again, that finally the light bulb went on. The discussion has not so much been about my religion itself (although at it's core the subject I am talking about has led to constant discussion about Islam), as it has been about what Muslims are doing (or rather NOT doing) to stop the fanatics, and the terrorists. There seems to be a general consensus in the United States of America that the "silence" of Muslims (specifically American Muslims) is simple, quiet complacency with the beliefs and actions of the radicalized few. So much so that now WE are the suspects.<br />
For years now, we have been hearing the same thing from the public and the media. They say we don't do anything to condemn the terrorists, we don't say anything about the fact that they are using our religion to kill. Every time I heard this, or heard someone ask why we don't stand up against terrorism, I got angry. This last time, hearing a discussion panel talk about Muslims in America, I got angry again. But this time a light bulb went on somewhere. I felt something different than before. A light turned on and I thought to myself, "maybe they are right". "Educating" people about Islam doesn't work ( since the only people who seem to be interested in learning more about this religion they do not know are generally NOT the same people who NEED the education), our President reminding us we are NOT at war with Islam doesn't work, reminding our fellow Americans that we are ALSO AMERICANS doesn't work...so what is going to? I realized in that moment that the only thing that will work is US coming out of the woodwork and showing our communities who we are. Being reachable, being active, being noticed...being KNOWN. <br />
So my appeal is to all my Muslim friends...no matter how religious you are, no matter if you wear hijab or not, if you pray every day or not, you are still a Muslim, and we need to be out there, we need to be active and we need to change the direction this country is headed in regards to Islam and Muslims. So what are we going to do about it? What should we do about it? ANSWER...I WANT ANSWERS...I WANT IDEAS...SO GIMME SOME!!!!!<br />
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</div>that womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06729564454357031477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2698358192165691340.post-29253688410464064772011-02-24T22:43:00.000-08:002011-02-24T22:43:28.487-08:00Short Anwer to the Question<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div style="text-align: left;"> I have neglected this blog, neglected my email (so bad), neglected my facebook (turns out not to be so bad), neglected my friends (bad) and neglected what little social life I had, but it has all taken it's toll and it's time to snap out of the fog and get back to earth. The last 5 or 6 months have been kinda wacky, and I am sure the wackiness will still abound for the next few more, and I am just going to have to suck it up and deal with it. Right? Anyway....back on track, I have been asked a few times the last couple months about my conversion and I realize I still have not answered the question here so I should just get down to it. Why did I convert? What about Islam made me choose this as my path? Well, in short I can single out 2 most major reasons above all else (though there are a lot more).<br />
First, my inherent belief in ONE God, with no others like Him, and certainly no human equal. This is the most important for me. ONE GOD. That's it, the end, buh-bye. Pretty simple concept. <br />
Second, that one God is the only judge of me. The only judge of my actions, the only judge of my intentions and the only possible being that could ever truly know my heart. There is no one between me and God and no one I have to go through to reach Him. My relationship with Him is close and personal and real.<br />
For now, that's my short answer to the Question. There really is lot more and deeper and meaningful things about the process that I really will discuss but in short this is it. Oh wait...I can add something else you might think is just lame but whatever...#3) I didn't have to give up Jesus. (PBUH). Best part for me. Silly to you maybe, but my attachment to Jesus was just not something that could have been undone. Though I never thought he was a God, or like God...I knew he was a real man and that he existed and that he brought a beautiful message with him. He was a man we could model ourselves after in order to be better people. To convert to Islam, did not mean abandoning my faith or love in Jesus. And that was HUGE for me. </div></div>that womanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06729564454357031477noreply@blogger.com0