Doubt

"I have nothing but your generosity to put my hope in. Nothing. For I stand at Your door holding broken scraps…and yet you open. Save me from this storm. I am the most helpless of all your slaves. And I’m lost. Wandering in the middle of a forest trying to find my way. But all the tress look the same, and each path just leads back to the beginning. No one finds their way out of this forest—except whom You save. Save me. For truly, truly I cannot save myself."

I saw this posted today...and I felt like it was speaking for me. Everything I have learned, (and not learned), felt, experienced, thought...at this point is on the shelf..above me...and I am looking at it and wondering if it has all taken me to where I thought I wanted to go. And the truth is...that I am no longer sure.

In a few days I will be able to fast again inshallah...I almost feel like a traitor though. Because my heart is not in it. I feel like I am fasting to keep a connection with the religion I chose but have grown so distant from. And not for the reasons I should be. Here in my last post I said that Muslimness and my life were now one...and now, a week ,later..I don't feel like a Muslim anymore. I don't feel my values reflected in the community, in don't feel like a part of it either. I am beginning to wonder if I ever really was.

I am so confused about so many things. I feel so hopeless and so lonely and even though I know there are a lot of others who feel like me, and many others who need and crave the community I also seek...but it doesn't change anything. That community does not exist...and the one that does exist here has slowly but surely pushed me out the door and let it smack me in the butt on the way out. I have to admit, I am a little stunned at how easy it was for it all to get to me. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I had so much more fight in me. But I don't. Why stick around somewhere you are not wanted? It's just dumb. And it will hurt me I'm sure more than it will help. In fact, that is the whole reason I have taken a step back from all of this lately. The only community iftar I have attended resulted in me leaving in a hurt and angry hurry because a close friend of mine took a comment made by another sister and turned it into something it wasn't and ended it with her calling me a racist. I almost didn't go that night anyway..but I did..and I was really sorry I did. I have avoided the mosque entirely because it stirs up strong, awful emotions that really hurt. And the masjid should be a place where one finds peace. But it is not anymore. Not for me. And I hope and pray I can find my way back to the Islam that I love so much. I pray that my heart and eyes and ears have not been sealed. 

Ramadan 2012

I was going to write a post everyday for Ramadan, documenting my experience...however, the first day I got really sick..and the second day, I was unable to fast and will be until next week. So that's that. besides that...I am not feeling it. I mean, I am... more than any other Ramadan I have experienced, but at the same time, I am really not. I feel distant from it. for the first time, I felt a little excitement, and anticipation knowing it was coming...yet at the same time, it feels a little unsure...like I am just not quite comfortable with it all. I find out more and more all the time about what I "should" be doing (more like what I should NOT be doing), along with the fasting and I feel like an awful person. I am trying my best to learn and to live this religion, but what I know and have learned seems to be contrary to what I see and have been involved in. I am having a real struggle (jihad) within myself as to whether I am/have been/will be doing the right thing in regards to every choice I have made in pursuing my spirituality on such a larger scale and to such a degree that it  makes my head spin and feel like it's impossible for me to ever be a good Muslim. I CHOSE this. I CHOSE to be active, to pursue a community, to seek service, to manifest the love and gratefulness I have for GOD into something on this Earth that CAN be seen....but maybe I went about it all the wrong way.
      I have been told quite often by someone I respect so much that I should worry only about myself. Not anyone else. I had a hard time with this statement. I don't feel as though that is what I am supposed to do...I feel so much more in me...how can I worry ONLY for myself when there is SO MUCH good work to be done and no one is jumping in and doing it or inspiring the community to jump start itself!!! To me that's the WHOLE PROBLEM! However, with recent events, and the 2 weeks I took off  I can see a tiny bit more clearly why this person's advice may be my best advice to take. I like to think that things don't bother me, that I don't allow them to affect me, but I am finally going to admit that this is not true :)
      My spirituality is HUGE in my life, and I made it even bigger by throwing myself into trying to get everyone else on board...when people just aren't ready, or been there done that, or for whatever reason...are just not interested. I have met a dozen American women converts who were at one time doing similar things, trying to organize, do some good, build community..regularly attending the Masjid. their experiences make me feel like I am not alone, but at the same...make me feel total shame and hopelessness that the situation seems to have always been this way. I am not coming onto a community that has not TRIED to DO something. I have come into a community where those who have tried have been beaten down to the point of just not being around anymore. And so the community stays stagnant. No programs, services, fellowship, no leadership. The toll it has taken on me in all ways has gotten to the point that it's just enough. Enough of all of it. I have 3 things in this life I need to worry about right now. My family, our future and our spiritual growth. There is no longer any room inside my head for very much else right now. I am helping with the Convert Sunday School...and anything else I do is going to have to pertain to my family and us moving forward somehow. And I have to find my own Islam. I have a hard time believing the example I have seen is the true Islam. And I know it is not mine.
      I got in a bit of trouble over writing about the goings on. And even though it is not my way to shut up and let things I see as wrong happen...I respect those angry at me for it enough to drop it entirely. I won't speak about it publicly...as long as I am not involved in any of it anymore. And I am sorry to anyone who I offended by sharing what has been happening in the community but on that same note...I do not believe silence is an answer to 30 years of corruption and mismanagement of a community. I think loud voices are, strong faith, and honest, compassionate and dedicated leadership is. And if we do not raise our voices and demand these things...how will we get them? What makes us look bad is not trying to change things that are wrong...it's NOT CHANGING THEM in order not to look bad!!!!! Silence=Complacency. We stay quiet and those who are  hurting others will continue.

      I'll be posting Muslim stuff here...for the Moment...everything else I have allover the web I am collecting and moving onto Opera. No more stuff floating around everywhere. I want to keep the writing up...and I don't feel anymore like the issues of my Muslim ad my "other" life are separate anymore....so we'll see how things turn out. Maybe I will move the WHOLE thing over and only have the one blog anymore. Maybe. Til then, it's here. And I am posting it right now :)

Friday Night

Alhumdulillah...tonight was good. The women's masjid was open (talk about a head trip with all the locking and the unlocking) but I am not sure it was on purpose. Regardless...it was open and we were able to sit in the masjid together and do what we do. What we do, may not seem like much. However, for some of us...like me...it is all we have, and it keeps us connected to our sisters in Islam, and helps to keep us in the Faith.
      The fairness which one woman in particular is able to bestow upon people and situations that are so negative and volatile inspires me and makes me feel like a crappy person at the same time. Her patience with matters that are so intense is EXACTLY what all the goings on call for...and I am so thankful she is here to be the voice of  (I cringe to say it) reason..and tolerance. As one sister said..."The most beautiful bridge over troubled waters in Utah", and that she certainly is. She laid out the Executive Committee's case for wanting to shut down the meeting and asked for ways to help solve an negotiate the problem while pleasing both parties. The women are adamant about having access to their masjid. Most of the other things seem up for compromise or sacrifice...but the building being closed to us is not. 
      I am not always the most reasonable of people when put in an emotional or defensive situation. I can  usually see clearer as time passes and I think about things. And I can be persuaded pretty easily into tolerance and compromise. Reason...not so easy to talk me into. I think I have been reasonable though...considering all the factors. It is frustrating though that my dear sister does not know all the facts...and only knows what is being presented as facts for the argument in favor of shutting down the halaqa. However it works in our favor that the information presented to her is "just the facts" about justifying the closure of the women's masjid, because those things can all be handled and problems solved pretty easy. It is the personal attacks and the personal power plays that do the real damage and are hard to solve, and alhumdulillah she is NOT one to play those games. I don't like to play them either, but admittedly it is not to hard to make me mad and suck me in to fighting back. Especially when my kid is involved.
      The meeting was wonderful though. Women I have not met yet, women I have not seen in a long time, and women I respect and admire so much were all there. The group was big, and it was so wonderful to be with those women...like it always is. There is a Pot-Luck next week at the Masjid, and more negotiations to take place about how we can have our meetings back.  So for now...tonight I can sleep at peace. So GOODNIGHT beautiful world...I cannot wait to see you tomorrow
     

Waiting and Seeing

At dinner with some other Muslimahs this evening, the topic of conversation of what we are going to do came up. Do we stand our ground and keep showing up, and demand they let us into the Women's side (if all they really want is the air conditioning bill paid, we can do it) to continue? Ramadan is coming in 2 and a half weeks and we don't meet then anyway...and we don't know what they have told the woman they chose to speak with about the situation. And although I love this woman to death...she will be as kind as possible in relaying whatever messages they have, and leave out anything harmful. I love her. And maybe it's for the best. Being accused behind my back of misdeeds, having my daughter picked on, being POINTEDLY excluded from the conversation because of my race (actually it's opposite..it's because of what race I am NOT)..all has me in a bit of an angry ball. And really, this is not going to get me anywhere.

      Some women want to stand our ground and not budge, keep attending Masjid Noor because it is not something they can do...exclude us. Even though what we are supposedly being accused of are all lies...they are things we can immediately solve. We COULD and WOULD donate to the masjid if we knew where the money went or if it actually went into the masjid or the community. But we don't know where it goes and there are no improvements or necessary materials. Now we are being told the cost of the air conditioning is too much to let us continue to use the facility (The Great Irony: The Air Conditioning unit and installation was donated to the masjid by a Kuwaiti woman who was visiting a couple years ago because it was so hot for the women..so the "Society" didn't even get it themselves for the ladies..A VISITING WOMAN BOUGHT IT FOR THE WOMEN!!!!!). If they want us to pay the bills we will. We can.They said it was dirty all the time. Even though the women clean up after every meeting, Sunday School cleans after themselves, and the old Imam's sons would come every Thursday to clean it too. But if they want, we can clean it white glove style EVERY week. They don't approve of our materials...ok...then provide some for us.. preferably materials we have had a hand in selecting as it is for us and our benefit. See? All problems easily solved. We could even get materials OURSELVES so they don't have to pay. Hell, if they want cash to rent the space we could pay them. Whatever.

      Then there are some women who just want to walk away and start our own thing. We could rent our own place together and do all the things they have been wanting and asking for. The converts want their own place where they feel welcome too. For those who want to just stop going to Noor and do our own thing Now is the time. As for me, I have no idea which I want to do. And I don't know what the "Executive Committee" has said to the woman who runs the Friday Meeting, so I cannot really make a clear call. A friend posted a quote from a sermon of Imam Ali when I logged on this evening and it made my heart soften and remember just how complicated this all is when brothers and sisters in faith turn on each other. And really, I don't want ANY fighting, or splitting, or nonsense. I just want Utah's Ummah to UNITE.

The Journey Continues...

My journey has not been what I imagined. I thought the rough seas were the outside world...struggling to stay afloat outside the Muslim Community would be the hard part. While it certainly has it's challenges, it is by far not the hard part ( for me). The rough seas for me have been the inner pool of the community. Struggling to keep my faith, my smile, my heart softened...I have found the hardest parts of this journey have been from within the place I thought I would be finding comfort, tolerance, forgiveness, and inclusiveness. At this point in the road...peace is elusive. And I am not supposed to talk about. We don't talk about our problems, we don't share them with the outside world...we just let it be and we stay silent. I was convinced that for the sake of my religion and just because this is how things are done that it was ok. It was somewhat easier to keep my mouth shut, my feelings to myself and try and make a change in order to report back the goodness that has been found. But I do not think that anymore, and I do not believe my staying silent IS the right thing to do. 

      I am sharing this ride, documenting every piece and I stopped doing that when things got complicated and messy and I didn't want to start any fires. Now I wish I had that back up and all those entries I lost about the workings and the events and the complicated politics of the Society here. Most of it is fresh, it's only been a year since things started being complicated (for ME anyway)...but still, I want the look back to be untainted by the feelings I have in the NOW. Because there are a lot of good things about the Muslim Community here. And no matter what goes on with the tainted few that ruin that ruin the bunch...that is the part I want people to take from this experience of mine. The GOOD in the Ummah. I am going to post everyday, document like my intention was in the first place...catch up the recent events. Because even though there is fodder for some good drama, there are some amazing people and wonderful things right in there with it. I want ALL of it noted down, taken in, sensed by those who see this. I firmly believe we can turn things around and make this a functioning, active society fully contributing to the communities in which we live, through simple *sadaqa (for you Muslims, remember even a smile can be sadaqa). Which is really the best form of *dawah.

If you have stayed tuned, you know about the ooey gooey mess that I was discovering this community is. Our (Utah's Muslimahs) efforts to jump start some good works (NECESSARY works in this community) and some community cohesion seemed to be sort of working. Sort of. I should have gone with my gut and ran away after my first and only meeting with the Islamic Society's President. He rules the Society with an iron fist, he has a complete disregard and utmost disrespect for the members of the community...especially it seems American women. He is the one who said to form a group of women and report back and we can get started on some things the women and converts and other community members would like to get going. He blew me off for a year. We organized somewhat anyway, and now we are being accused of all sorts of "misdeeds" and being punished by having our meetings and our community center taken away.
      The women have been sporadically locked out of the masjid (a house next to the men's masjid bought specifically for the women's use) on Friday evenings, and when I asked why and how to solve it and refused a demand to be "cross-examined"  (his words) for something they would not tell me about on a day we had plans..I promptly got told I was upset and disrespectful, and my name and number and email were taken off the website immediately. 
      We have now been told that the house bought for the women is no longer their masjid. The Friday meetings are now over after this week. They are changing the way we do things and telling us we are not allowed to meet there. I am being accused of raising money for some other masjid (total nonsense), "misleading" the women when I don't lead anything but dessert-time, my child is being talked about (This is partly why this fight is ON now...don't mess with a Mama and her baby), and I am betting I am deemed "not a part of Islamic Society" by it's President. TRY and kick me out. TRY and kick my child out.
      My accusers will not face me, will not say what they are saying behind my back to my face, and WON'T meet with me or talk to me or work with me (that stopped a long time ago anyway). I have the right to be accused to MY FACE, ESPECIALLY by a group of big, bad-ass men. If they are so big and bold and righteous...WHY can they not call me out TO MY FACE??
     This has all only just begun.This time I am documenting all of it. No more waiting around to smooth things over and to see if we can develop some goodness. We are supposed to fight oppression...and actually, when Muslims fight with each other, we should convince other believers to our side (or they must convince us to theirs) until we stand united again. This is the Islamic way. And here is my dalil (proof) 

وَإِنْ طَائِفَتَانِ مِنَ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ اقْتَتَلُوا فَأَصْلِحُوا بَيْنَهُمَا فَإِنْ بَغَتْ إِحْدَاهُمَا عَلَى الْأُخْرَى فَقَاتِلُوا الَّتِي تَبْغِي حَتَّى تَفِيءَ إِلَى أَمْرِ اللَّهِ فَإِنْ فَاءَتْ فَأَصْلِحُوا بَيْنَهُمَا بِالْعَدْلِ وَأَقْسِطُوا إِنَّ اللَّهَ يُحِبُّ الْمُقْسِطِينَ ﴿49:9﴾ 

(49:9) If two parties of the believers happen to fight, *12 make peace between them. *13 But then, if one of them transgresses against the other, fight the one that transgresses *14 until it reverts to Allah’s command. *15And if it does revert, make peace between them with justice, *16 and be equitable for Allah loves the equitable. 

*12 Instead of saying: "When two parties of the believers fight mutually", it has been said: °If two parties of the believers fall to mutual fighting." From these words it by itself follows that mutual fighting is not the character of the Muslims, nor should it be. It is not expected that being the believers they would fight mutually. However, if such a thing ever happens, the procedure that follows should be adopted. Moreover, the word ta 'ifah has been used for a group instead of firqah: the words ta'ifah and firqah in Arabic are used for a large group and a small group respectively. This also shows that it is indeed a highly offensive state in the sight of Allah in which large groups of the Muslims cannot be expected to be involved. *13 The recipients of this Command are all those Muslims who may not be a party to either of the groups and for whom it may be possible to try to make peace between them. In other words, Allah dces not approve that the other Muslims should just sit and watch the clash when two groups of their own community have fallen to mutual fighting. But whenever such a sad situation arises alI the believers should become concerned and should do whatever they can to bring about peace and reconciliation between the parties. They should urge the parties to desist from fighting; they should exhort them to fear God; their influential people should go and talk to the responsible men of the two sides, should find out the causes of the dispute and do whatever they can to effect reconciliation between them. *14 That is, "The Muslims also should not allow the aggressor to continue his aggression and leave the victim alone, or, still worse, join hands with the aggressor. But their duty is that if all their efforts at reconciliation between the parties fail, they should find out as to who is in the right and who is the aggressor. Then they should join hands with the one who is in the right and fight the aggressor. As this fighting has been enjoined by Allah, it is obligatory and comes under Jihad,' it is not the fitnah (mischief) about which the Holy Prophet has said: "It is a situation in which the one standing is bettor than the one moving, and the one sitting is better than the one standing" For that fitnah implies the mutual fighting of the Muslims in which the parties might be fighting out of bigotry, or for a false sense of honour and worldly possessions and neither may be having the truth on its side. As for the fight that is undertaken in support of the group who is in the right against the aggressor, it is not taking part in the fitnah but carrying out Allah's Command. All the jurists arc agreed on its bring an obligation, and there was no difference of opinion among the Holy Prophet's Companions about its being obligatory. (AI-Jassas, Ahkam al-Qur'an). Some jurists even regard it as superior to Jihad itself and their reasoning is that Hadrat 'AIi spent the entire period of his caliphate in fighting against the rebels instead of performing Jihad against the disbelievers. (Ruh al-Ma ani). If a person argues that it was not obligatory because Hadrat `Abdullah bin `Umar and some other Companions had not participated in the wars fought by Hadrat `Ali, he would be in the wrong. Ibn 'Umar himself says: "I have never been so much grieved at heart on anything as on account of this verse as to why I did not fight the rebels as enjoined by Allah. " (Hakim, al-Mustadrik). The Command to "fight" the aggressor does not necessarily mean that he should be fought with the weapons and killed, but it implies the use of force against him, the real object being the removal of his aggression. For this object whatever force is necessary should be used, and no more and no less force should be used than what is absolutely necessary. The addressees of this Command are the people who have the power to repel the aggression by the use of force. *15 This shows that the fighting is not meant to punish the rebel (the aggressing pang) for his rebellion (aggression), but to force him to return to the Command of AIIah. Allah's Command unplies that the rebel group should submit to what isright according to the Book of Allah and the Sunnah of the Messenger of AIIah, and should give up the attitude and conduct that amounts to aggression according to this criterion of the truth. As soon as a rebel group becomes ready and willing to follow this Command, use of force against it should be stopped, for this is the actual object of the fighting and its target. The one who commits an excess after this would himself become the aggressor. As for this as to what is the truth and what is the aggression in a dispute according to the Book of AIIah and the Sunnah of His Messenger, its determination is inevitably the job of those people of the Ummah, who have the ability to carry out research by virtue of their knowledge and insight *16 The Command is not only to make peace but to make peace with justice and equity. This shows that in the sight of AIIah the peace (and reconciliation) which is brought about only to stop fighting, overlooking the distinction between the truth and falsehood, and in which pressure is used against the party that is in the right to come to terms with the aggressor, is not commendable. True peace is that which is based on justice. This alone can avert disaster and mischief; otherwise the inevitable result of pressing those in the right and encouraging the aggressors would be that the real causes of the evil would remain as they were, rather would go on adding up, and cause the mischief to appear and re-appear over and over. (http://www.quranenglish.com/tafheem_quran/049.htm) The last part is what I am talking about at this point. The problems have gone on too long, too many people have been a victim of this "Society"..my story is not a new one..it is as the last line says...." the inevitable result of pressing those in the right and encouraging the aggressors would be that the real causes of the evil would remain as they were, rather would go on adding up, and cause the mischief to appear and re-appear over and over " And THIS is what we have here is Salt Lake City. An UNENDING string of mischief, popping up over and over again...and one factor seems to be the one thing that remains the same in each case. It is time this era of Muslims in this city battling each other for some ridiculous and perceived sense of power comes to a close. I am more than willing to use MY journey as the catalyst to it's overdue END.

I Need Some Peace

I am not at peace anymore. Not with any of anything that has been going on. And I am not even sure what it has been (the goings-on). I really need to find some peace. And while I fantasize about entering a church (the Cathedral where I used to go more specifically) to just pray and cry and reflect and try and feel for that feeling that has been missing so long now...I know it is not the church that is going to give me that back. I am not sure how I lost it either, or where...but I need it back. I am not a bad person. I am actually pretty nice, and willing to work together...with others...in order to help build better lives for ALL of us AND our kids. I'm not dropping this anymore. Yes, said it before, but ya know, this time it's for real. I need the old perspective. If I had written while the magic was still happening, I would see things a little more clearly now, or have the benefit of an unbiased lookback. But here I am. Tired, and emotionally spent, spiritually on FIRE and yet completely spiritually dampened. How does that even work?
Anywho
I am tired and I am going to find 5 hours worth of peace behind closed lids now. Tomorrow I can expand. Goodnight crazy world. Inshallah some day I will figure a piece of you out.