Pendulum

Back and forth, back and forth...my religiosity has been swinging like a pendulum. The more I want or try to embrace Islam...the more I feel turned off by it. One day I really just want NOTHING to do with any of it, and I want to RUN to church and just sit in the pews and cry and cry and cry and cry. The next day I want to get up and going...start implementing the ideas all the women have had...do our own thing which we have been saying forever, or really get these guys and girls to WORK with me. ( Or is it that subconsciously I cannot stand not being accepted as a member of the community?? I have NEVER had an easy time of being able to blow off not being accepted or liked...)

The truth is...I miss my comfort zone. I miss that peace inside that I got from praying at church. Those doses of peace in my heart I could always get in that sacred space meant for reflection and worship. Though I found my truth in the religion of Islam...(at least I thought I did...truth is starting to be blurry now...) I cannot find any peace (I know..I keep saying that). Not the kind I had when I was young and was so sure about only one thing: My belief in God. 

Ramadan was awful...made me really think about whether I am really in this or not? And I still cannot answer that. I do not doubt God, or his infinite omnipotence. I do not doubt the Prophets...I do not doubt the Quran. But I doubt what I am doing...where I am going...what I am (not) involved in. Flashes of my previous life keep running through my head and I keep wondering...why did I choose this again? To be better? To be happier? To become a part of something good? Because...those things are eluding me.  This life right now is not what I thought it would be, nor anything like what I wanted. My spirituality has not grown...rather it is suffocating. I am taking a step back and looking and going...is this really what I want? Is this really the path I choose? There is a rock on my chest I cannot lift off. There is an ache in my soul that will NOT stop throbbing. It will NOT go away. And thinking about religion..especially this one I have chosen..makes it WORSE and to be honest it scares me because I did not see this coming. I saw my faith as something beautiful and I respected it so much...even before my shahada (profession of faith). At this moment...right now...I have a hard time looking at Arabic script without feeling like I want to roll my eyes.

I know I am not alone, I know many others have felt this way. But I cannot help but worry and wonder...how this is all going to turn out for me. Was I wrong to think this was the right path ? Or was I right and I need to buck up and throw myself in? One thing is for sure...I cannot keep teeter-tottering. I have to find a way to deal with myself, and my feelings. Sort out my thoughts. And get on that path to 

Peace, Love, Unity, Respect

(a.k.a. P.L.U.R. to the old ravers...who in my opinion are the coolest, most compassionate, DOWNEST subculture I have had the pleasure to experience being a part of. )

On that note...there is a Yoga-Rave (drug and alcohol free) at the Krishna Temple tonight. I cannot WAIT to go. Yoga and Mantra Dance, chanting  and TRANCE TECHNO!!!!....right up my alley...I am thinking tomorrow evening..I will feel much, much BETTER :)
♥Alhumdulillah for EVERYTHING in this life ♥