Welcome to 2013 (Part II)

Struck by the Truth of it

Through luck and the magnificence of social networking I have slowly come into contact with other Muslims (who would perhaps be called moderates or progressives in the sub-sectarian divisions of Muslims we like to impose on ourselves) across the city who have been seeking something else. Something other than what the mosques have to offer. A place where equality, tolerance and acceptance are provided for in accordance with Islamic principles, Islamic worship and maybe even a bit of education. Where converts (and the LGBT community) are welcomed and comfortable. Where there is real community, and real cohesion despite cultural/scholarly/sectarian diversity.

A wonderful woman here who has since moved away, planted the seeds for a SLC chapter of  Muslims For Progressive Values.When I joined their national group, I was not so sure about them...after all, I am more conservative than people think/know, however with my experience in the local mosque (which I found is an echo of many of the convert women before me here) and the intolerance and exclusion I have seen...my values are much more in line with that of MPV, and the local people I have met have been amazing. The woman who started it all had a great impact on me, telling me some of the best things I needed to hear another Muslim say to me in order to unblock my own path and be ok with who I am and my relationship with God, and my relationship with Islam. 

While they are not quite up and running, we are slowly meeting socially and getting to know one another. The two people left in charge I have no doubt will ensure the organization gets off to a productive and meaningful start, and there are already quite a few others who have connected through MPV SLC's start-up group. At first I had my doubts....but upon meeting the other members, I am so grateful that someone here in this city took the initiative to start a chapter.

 I also have to admit...the events in Boston also had a hand in pushing me over the teetering edge of being sure I wanted to be a part of MPV. But I suppose that should be the next blog post.

Welcome to 2013 (Part I)

I didn't realize quite how long it had been since I had written anything on my Muslimness. I had to read the last post to remember where I was when I last spewed my guts about the raw experience of being the Muslim me. Wow...it was a LONG time ago. (I did insert a post from another blog I wrote in January. I didn't post it in here at the time but it is relevant so I added it in)
      The Yoga Rave wasn't all that. It was sort of weird (although granted it was their first time putting one on, and I have noticed the flyers and posters have gotten more abundant over the last few months so perhaps they know what they are doing a little better now) but it was fun. However I have to admit the conservative Muslim and the Catholic little girl in me was a bit freaked out by the huge various portraits of Vishnu.

There was some singing, chanting type activity in the Temple Room (complete with statues and incense and flowers, it was quite beautiful) where people were really having a good time. I liked it...as an observer. I don't think I could ever fully participate because I am quite sure I don't feel the elated spirituality they seem to. I WISH I could find that elated spirituality. I feel like I had it when I was a child, found it again for a little while as an adult, and now I feel like a bitter little kid refusing to grow up, demanding someone take me back to Sunday School and all things loving and merciful and kind. Which leads me back to...exactly where?

It appears the last post was on the first Friday night that the lights went out on the women's meeting at Masjid Al-Nour. I am sure part of my not having a good time at the Yoga Rave event was that fact. That place I held SO dear, those women I love SO much, those amazing memories, those times of peace, of community, of the kids running around, playing, having fun, the hugging, the salaams, the never knowing if it is 3 kisses or 4 (I heard somewhere 3 is sunnah so I stuck with that), the dessert and chatter and the getting to know each other, so many of us, all so different and from all over, united by the one thing that brought us there together...(Islam)....just gone. 

*poof*

  ..like it never was. That event and those surrounding it, along with the pure meanness of the people involved was one of the few things that has happened in my life that really, truly broke something inside of me.

But it's ok. I got my spark back

.

The women's meeting found a new home in the a different local Masjid...this one is known as the Somali Masjid. (We also have a Bosnian one, an "Iraqi" one, the Turks get together on their own, there is a "Pakistani" masjid  (the ones in quotes are not officially deemed as such but there are mostly attended and run by the various cultures all split up but grouped together) and the one I used to go to was frequented by everyone, Americans, Arabs, Somalis, Bosnians, Pakistanis, Indians, Bangladeshis...EVERYONE. it was beautiful. But alas, all good things must come to an end and the end of that experience has been met.

I went to the meetings there for a few of them. It was nice, never quite the same as the times we had at Masjid Nour, never as comfortable. Of course we are blocked off in the back from the men and separated by a portable wall like an office cubicle. We had a potluck for a newspaper writer that fasted in January (Ramadan the fast is too long) to get the experience Muslims get during Ramadan. She wrote about it last year and decided to repeat the experience this year because she enjoyed it. Partly because of the recent religious politics of the community and partially because of the (culturally influenced) restrictive atmosphere of the Masjid in the name of Islam, it was quite embarrassing and we are so lucky the writer is a nice Mormon lady who won't badmouth us. Because any other religion writer for a newspaper would have had some awesome fodder for a juicy anti-Muslim story.  I won't even talk about the rest but suffice it to say there is a big problem (not just here but all over apparently) with women's spaces in mosques. However it was not just how we were treated and how she was treated there, it was how few of the Muslim "community" even showed up to celebrate with us. What a way to show we care, we are united with our community, we are willing to be there when a community member reaches out and wants to befriend us....

WHAT A JOKE.

I should have been done then. And I thought I was. But it would take just a little bit more (JUST like it did with the Catholic Church..it felt very similar when it happened) to really finally push me over the edge with the Muslim Community as I have come to know it here in Utah. When I finally had the courage to walk away from the Catholic Church, I retained my Faith in God, my love of Jesus and his teachings, my belief in God's message and the belief that I will be rightly guided. Just as now, having the courage to finally walk away from the Utah Muslim Community as I have gotten to know it, I maintain my Islam, my infallible belief in God, in His message (however it reaches people) and I WHOLEHEARTEDLY believe in enjoining good and forbidding evil. And so the story goes on, and a new chapter begins. Alhumdulillah for everything and how it all happens. God knows the right time and place for everything, yet I am always amazed at divine opportunities and how perfectly they fit when presented.

Trying to Hold on to Islam

This morning started off with this beautiful moment..caught perfectly. I made the mistake of sharing it in a Muslim women's group and my happy morning went south. "Astugfirallah" was the reaction (May God forgive). As far as I know children are not held responsible yet for performing the 5 daily prayers..and therefore are not sinning or required to seek forgiveness. And everyone with a kid knows..when they see a camera it's hammy time! I deleted the post right away.I didn't even want to argue. I am past the point of arguing. Past the point of caring almost..but not quite there yet. I shouldn't care really...I shouldn't let it get to me. More and more I feel like I am NOT one of "them" and they are pushing me away and out so why do I insist that I am? Every joy is a HARAM, every day I work I am HARAM, watching a movie with my daughter... HARAM..laughing out loud..HARAM. Can i breathe? Can I smile? Can I see beauty without condemning it? Can one moment of pure, unfiltered joy in the giggle and peace sign flash of a little boy just be OK???

I am finding it so hard to reconcile my life...who I am..how I feel..how I love...how I live..with this version of Islam that requires me to be someone different than who I am. Different than who God made me. I am STRUGGLING to hold on to Islam. STRUGGLING. And moments like these I am really just at a loss for how and why this religion is so incredibly difficult,When it was NOT supposed to be. But then again..that's according to the Islam I know...which apparently is wrong...so who knows? People around here are a lot more interested in being extreme and righteous and "pious" to give any time or effort into building a community with kuffars. Even the group of converts we have cannot seem to make building a community or safe space for us a priority..so why am I trying? Why do I care? I find myself in this position all the time. Questioning why am I doing this? I don't question my faith in God,or in His oneness and omnipotence, I don't question Judgement Day, I don't question Quran...but I question what it is to BE a Muslim. I question whether this is really the path I am wanting to go down...because it just doesn't feel right.

Pendulum

Back and forth, back and forth...my religiosity has been swinging like a pendulum. The more I want or try to embrace Islam...the more I feel turned off by it. One day I really just want NOTHING to do with any of it, and I want to RUN to church and just sit in the pews and cry and cry and cry and cry. The next day I want to get up and going...start implementing the ideas all the women have had...do our own thing which we have been saying forever, or really get these guys and girls to WORK with me. ( Or is it that subconsciously I cannot stand not being accepted as a member of the community?? I have NEVER had an easy time of being able to blow off not being accepted or liked...)

The truth is...I miss my comfort zone. I miss that peace inside that I got from praying at church. Those doses of peace in my heart I could always get in that sacred space meant for reflection and worship. Though I found my truth in the religion of Islam...(at least I thought I did...truth is starting to be blurry now...) I cannot find any peace (I know..I keep saying that). Not the kind I had when I was young and was so sure about only one thing: My belief in God. 

Ramadan was awful...made me really think about whether I am really in this or not? And I still cannot answer that. I do not doubt God, or his infinite omnipotence. I do not doubt the Prophets...I do not doubt the Quran. But I doubt what I am doing...where I am going...what I am (not) involved in. Flashes of my previous life keep running through my head and I keep wondering...why did I choose this again? To be better? To be happier? To become a part of something good? Because...those things are eluding me.  This life right now is not what I thought it would be, nor anything like what I wanted. My spirituality has not grown...rather it is suffocating. I am taking a step back and looking and going...is this really what I want? Is this really the path I choose? There is a rock on my chest I cannot lift off. There is an ache in my soul that will NOT stop throbbing. It will NOT go away. And thinking about religion..especially this one I have chosen..makes it WORSE and to be honest it scares me because I did not see this coming. I saw my faith as something beautiful and I respected it so much...even before my shahada (profession of faith). At this moment...right now...I have a hard time looking at Arabic script without feeling like I want to roll my eyes.

I know I am not alone, I know many others have felt this way. But I cannot help but worry and wonder...how this is all going to turn out for me. Was I wrong to think this was the right path ? Or was I right and I need to buck up and throw myself in? One thing is for sure...I cannot keep teeter-tottering. I have to find a way to deal with myself, and my feelings. Sort out my thoughts. And get on that path to 

Peace, Love, Unity, Respect

(a.k.a. P.L.U.R. to the old ravers...who in my opinion are the coolest, most compassionate, DOWNEST subculture I have had the pleasure to experience being a part of. )

On that note...there is a Yoga-Rave (drug and alcohol free) at the Krishna Temple tonight. I cannot WAIT to go. Yoga and Mantra Dance, chanting  and TRANCE TECHNO!!!!....right up my alley...I am thinking tomorrow evening..I will feel much, much BETTER :)
♥Alhumdulillah for EVERYTHING in this life ♥

Bismillah

"Bismillaah ir Rahmaan ir Raheem" 

("In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate")

We are supposed to say this to ourselves before we set out to any task. Thus showing our love for God...our offering of every action in His name. It is a means to keep purity behind our actions and our intentions...a reminder that our deeds and thoughts should be directed toward the good...on the right path.

When I was younger, a practicing Catholic, I would ask for things in Jesus' name...to ensure my prayers were heard and answered. Now that I am older...and Muslim (at least I still think I am...) the idea of my every action being an act of gratitude and worship...and a direct opportunity to praise God with every undertaking is a route to have my prayers heard that makes a lot more sense. Not that I do it. It is one of the most beautiful phrases to hear...even to say, feels beautiful. Yet I hardly EVER remember to say it before I set out to do things. Perhaps if I DID...I would remember what my intentions were when I converted. What I was thinking. Which was...all about GOD. Not about people or community or others.

It was about my infallible belief in that absolute, higher power and my willingness to submit to what I found to be the absolute truth.

Which is that God exists, in a realm and as an entity we cannot describe, understand or even imagine. And that there is only ONE God. With NO others by His side. "Iyyaka na'budu wa iyyaka nasta'een" ("You alone we worship, You alone we ask for help", from Surah Fatihah (The Opening), Qur'an. 

I NEED to remember my intentions in seeking and then finding my truth. It was to be better. To be better at being a human. To be better at being a mother. To be better at living in harmony on this earth with the 7 billion others. I need to find a way to get back on THAT track. Forget about the rest.

Doubt

"I have nothing but your generosity to put my hope in. Nothing. For I stand at Your door holding broken scraps…and yet you open. Save me from this storm. I am the most helpless of all your slaves. And I’m lost. Wandering in the middle of a forest trying to find my way. But all the tress look the same, and each path just leads back to the beginning. No one finds their way out of this forest—except whom You save. Save me. For truly, truly I cannot save myself."

I saw this posted today...and I felt like it was speaking for me. Everything I have learned, (and not learned), felt, experienced, thought...at this point is on the shelf..above me...and I am looking at it and wondering if it has all taken me to where I thought I wanted to go. And the truth is...that I am no longer sure.

In a few days I will be able to fast again inshallah...I almost feel like a traitor though. Because my heart is not in it. I feel like I am fasting to keep a connection with the religion I chose but have grown so distant from. And not for the reasons I should be. Here in my last post I said that Muslimness and my life were now one...and now, a week ,later..I don't feel like a Muslim anymore. I don't feel my values reflected in the community, in don't feel like a part of it either. I am beginning to wonder if I ever really was.

I am so confused about so many things. I feel so hopeless and so lonely and even though I know there are a lot of others who feel like me, and many others who need and crave the community I also seek...but it doesn't change anything. That community does not exist...and the one that does exist here has slowly but surely pushed me out the door and let it smack me in the butt on the way out. I have to admit, I am a little stunned at how easy it was for it all to get to me. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I had so much more fight in me. But I don't. Why stick around somewhere you are not wanted? It's just dumb. And it will hurt me I'm sure more than it will help. In fact, that is the whole reason I have taken a step back from all of this lately. The only community iftar I have attended resulted in me leaving in a hurt and angry hurry because a close friend of mine took a comment made by another sister and turned it into something it wasn't and ended it with her calling me a racist. I almost didn't go that night anyway..but I did..and I was really sorry I did. I have avoided the mosque entirely because it stirs up strong, awful emotions that really hurt. And the masjid should be a place where one finds peace. But it is not anymore. Not for me. And I hope and pray I can find my way back to the Islam that I love so much. I pray that my heart and eyes and ears have not been sealed. 

Ramadan 2012

I was going to write a post everyday for Ramadan, documenting my experience...however, the first day I got really sick..and the second day, I was unable to fast and will be until next week. So that's that. besides that...I am not feeling it. I mean, I am... more than any other Ramadan I have experienced, but at the same time, I am really not. I feel distant from it. for the first time, I felt a little excitement, and anticipation knowing it was coming...yet at the same time, it feels a little unsure...like I am just not quite comfortable with it all. I find out more and more all the time about what I "should" be doing (more like what I should NOT be doing), along with the fasting and I feel like an awful person. I am trying my best to learn and to live this religion, but what I know and have learned seems to be contrary to what I see and have been involved in. I am having a real struggle (jihad) within myself as to whether I am/have been/will be doing the right thing in regards to every choice I have made in pursuing my spirituality on such a larger scale and to such a degree that it  makes my head spin and feel like it's impossible for me to ever be a good Muslim. I CHOSE this. I CHOSE to be active, to pursue a community, to seek service, to manifest the love and gratefulness I have for GOD into something on this Earth that CAN be seen....but maybe I went about it all the wrong way.
      I have been told quite often by someone I respect so much that I should worry only about myself. Not anyone else. I had a hard time with this statement. I don't feel as though that is what I am supposed to do...I feel so much more in me...how can I worry ONLY for myself when there is SO MUCH good work to be done and no one is jumping in and doing it or inspiring the community to jump start itself!!! To me that's the WHOLE PROBLEM! However, with recent events, and the 2 weeks I took off  I can see a tiny bit more clearly why this person's advice may be my best advice to take. I like to think that things don't bother me, that I don't allow them to affect me, but I am finally going to admit that this is not true :)
      My spirituality is HUGE in my life, and I made it even bigger by throwing myself into trying to get everyone else on board...when people just aren't ready, or been there done that, or for whatever reason...are just not interested. I have met a dozen American women converts who were at one time doing similar things, trying to organize, do some good, build community..regularly attending the Masjid. their experiences make me feel like I am not alone, but at the same...make me feel total shame and hopelessness that the situation seems to have always been this way. I am not coming onto a community that has not TRIED to DO something. I have come into a community where those who have tried have been beaten down to the point of just not being around anymore. And so the community stays stagnant. No programs, services, fellowship, no leadership. The toll it has taken on me in all ways has gotten to the point that it's just enough. Enough of all of it. I have 3 things in this life I need to worry about right now. My family, our future and our spiritual growth. There is no longer any room inside my head for very much else right now. I am helping with the Convert Sunday School...and anything else I do is going to have to pertain to my family and us moving forward somehow. And I have to find my own Islam. I have a hard time believing the example I have seen is the true Islam. And I know it is not mine.
      I got in a bit of trouble over writing about the goings on. And even though it is not my way to shut up and let things I see as wrong happen...I respect those angry at me for it enough to drop it entirely. I won't speak about it publicly...as long as I am not involved in any of it anymore. And I am sorry to anyone who I offended by sharing what has been happening in the community but on that same note...I do not believe silence is an answer to 30 years of corruption and mismanagement of a community. I think loud voices are, strong faith, and honest, compassionate and dedicated leadership is. And if we do not raise our voices and demand these things...how will we get them? What makes us look bad is not trying to change things that are wrong...it's NOT CHANGING THEM in order not to look bad!!!!! Silence=Complacency. We stay quiet and those who are  hurting others will continue.

      I'll be posting Muslim stuff here...for the Moment...everything else I have allover the web I am collecting and moving onto Opera. No more stuff floating around everywhere. I want to keep the writing up...and I don't feel anymore like the issues of my Muslim ad my "other" life are separate anymore....so we'll see how things turn out. Maybe I will move the WHOLE thing over and only have the one blog anymore. Maybe. Til then, it's here. And I am posting it right now :)