Welcome to 2013 (Part II)

Struck by the Truth of it

Through luck and the magnificence of social networking I have slowly come into contact with other Muslims (who would perhaps be called moderates or progressives in the sub-sectarian divisions of Muslims we like to impose on ourselves) across the city who have been seeking something else. Something other than what the mosques have to offer. A place where equality, tolerance and acceptance are provided for in accordance with Islamic principles, Islamic worship and maybe even a bit of education. Where converts (and the LGBT community) are welcomed and comfortable. Where there is real community, and real cohesion despite cultural/scholarly/sectarian diversity.

A wonderful woman here who has since moved away, planted the seeds for a SLC chapter of  Muslims For Progressive Values.When I joined their national group, I was not so sure about them...after all, I am more conservative than people think/know, however with my experience in the local mosque (which I found is an echo of many of the convert women before me here) and the intolerance and exclusion I have seen...my values are much more in line with that of MPV, and the local people I have met have been amazing. The woman who started it all had a great impact on me, telling me some of the best things I needed to hear another Muslim say to me in order to unblock my own path and be ok with who I am and my relationship with God, and my relationship with Islam. 

While they are not quite up and running, we are slowly meeting socially and getting to know one another. The two people left in charge I have no doubt will ensure the organization gets off to a productive and meaningful start, and there are already quite a few others who have connected through MPV SLC's start-up group. At first I had my doubts....but upon meeting the other members, I am so grateful that someone here in this city took the initiative to start a chapter.

 I also have to admit...the events in Boston also had a hand in pushing me over the teetering edge of being sure I wanted to be a part of MPV. But I suppose that should be the next blog post.

Trying to Hold on to Islam

This morning started off with this beautiful moment..caught perfectly. I made the mistake of sharing it in a Muslim women's group and my happy morning went south. "Astugfirallah" was the reaction (May God forgive). As far as I know children are not held responsible yet for performing the 5 daily prayers..and therefore are not sinning or required to seek forgiveness. And everyone with a kid knows..when they see a camera it's hammy time! I deleted the post right away.I didn't even want to argue. I am past the point of arguing. Past the point of caring almost..but not quite there yet. I shouldn't care really...I shouldn't let it get to me. More and more I feel like I am NOT one of "them" and they are pushing me away and out so why do I insist that I am? Every joy is a HARAM, every day I work I am HARAM, watching a movie with my daughter... HARAM..laughing out loud..HARAM. Can i breathe? Can I smile? Can I see beauty without condemning it? Can one moment of pure, unfiltered joy in the giggle and peace sign flash of a little boy just be OK???

I am finding it so hard to reconcile my life...who I am..how I feel..how I love...how I live..with this version of Islam that requires me to be someone different than who I am. Different than who God made me. I am STRUGGLING to hold on to Islam. STRUGGLING. And moments like these I am really just at a loss for how and why this religion is so incredibly difficult,When it was NOT supposed to be. But then again..that's according to the Islam I know...which apparently is wrong...so who knows? People around here are a lot more interested in being extreme and righteous and "pious" to give any time or effort into building a community with kuffars. Even the group of converts we have cannot seem to make building a community or safe space for us a priority..so why am I trying? Why do I care? I find myself in this position all the time. Questioning why am I doing this? I don't question my faith in God,or in His oneness and omnipotence, I don't question Judgement Day, I don't question Quran...but I question what it is to BE a Muslim. I question whether this is really the path I am wanting to go down...because it just doesn't feel right.

Short Anwer to the Question

    I have neglected this blog, neglected my email (so bad), neglected my facebook (turns out not to be so bad), neglected my friends (bad) and neglected what little social life I had, but it has all taken it's toll and it's time to snap out of the fog and get back to earth. The last 5 or 6 months have been kinda wacky, and I am sure the wackiness will still abound for the next few more, and I am just going to have to suck it up and deal with it. Right? Anyway....back on track, I have been asked a few times the last couple months about my conversion and I realize I still have not answered the question here so I should just get down to it. Why did I convert? What about Islam made me choose this as my path? Well, in short I can single out 2 most major reasons above all else (though there are a lot more).
     First, my inherent belief in ONE God, with no others like Him, and certainly no human equal. This is the most important for me. ONE GOD. That's it, the end, buh-bye. Pretty simple concept.
      Second, that one God is the only judge of me. The only judge of my actions, the only judge of my intentions and the only possible being that could ever truly know my heart. There is no one between me and God and no one  I have to go through to reach Him. My relationship with Him is close and personal and real.
      For now, that's my short answer to the Question. There really is lot more and deeper and meaningful things about the process that I really will discuss but in short this is it. Oh wait...I can add something else you might think is just lame but whatever...#3) I didn't have to give up Jesus. (PBUH). Best part for me. Silly to you maybe, but my attachment to Jesus was just not something that could have been undone. Though I never thought he was a God, or like God...I knew he was a real man and that he existed and that he brought  a beautiful message with him. He was a man we could model ourselves after in order to be better people. To convert to Islam, did not mean abandoning my faith or love in Jesus. And that was HUGE for me.