Under Pressure

I feel an IMMENSE amount of pressure, even as a pretty secular Muslim, to defend my religion today. To defend my sisters (and brothers, but the sisters bear the burden when they wear hijab) in Islam, and to persuade my friends and my countrymen from believing what they see on the news and are being told by DAESH. Stop them from listening to psychopaths who are CLEARLY deranged, explain Islam, as if those nasty ass, dirty ass, stinky, scrubby men know ANYTHING about religion.

I feel forced to loudly recognize my religion and to proclaim my Muslimness. To make sure I behave, and people like me and then be like "Hey guys!! I'm a Muslim, you see? You don't have to hate us, we're cool"

And it's awkward.

It's awkward because, I am just a "regular" (if that means ANYTHING at all) American. I listen to rock and roll. I celebrate the 4th of July. I grew up in a trailer in a small town. I lived in Alaska for 2 years. I raved my ass off during the turn of the MILLENNIUM, literally AND figuratively. I am STILL rocking out to metal, still in love with goth and punk rock culture. I am a "bleeding heart" liberal (my Stepdad used to call me that from the age of 13 up) for the most part, and my religion is what made me so. So it's awkward to be put in the position of loudly defending your religion in public for all to see and ponder. And I am sure someone reading this will think to themselves, "well you don't have to". And while I would like to agree, how can I when I am constantly being told us "peaceful" Muslims need to speak out? 

People (my friends) say we need to denounce terrorism. We need to prove that Islam is not evil.We need to show them how our religion is a religion of peace, because they see on the interwebs a bunch of Quranic verses, taken out of context and thrown into a discussion, and think that is all there is to it. I would like to think my friends know me enough to know I do not support DAESH and their interpretation of Islam, and that I would not leave the Catholic church to convert to a religion that promotes violence and evil. I would like to think that who I am as a person, while not perfect, would speak for my values. Especially in the capacity DAESH unloads it. But that isn't enough. And I don't know what is going to be enough. I am asked for proof, and when I give it, I am not believed and my proposal that one can and should do their own research since I am not believed, is rejected. I am asked for explanations of verses, hadith, things people have heard or read or seen on TV, yet silenced because it's "not true" and they know more about my religion than I do. And again, refusal to do one's own research, or use resources I extend to them.

I see ugly, ignorant memes in my Facebook news feed about killing Muslims. About getting rid of the Muslims that are here, as if Muslims aren't also American. I see untrue "information" being passed around as though people have have studied this religion and are absolute experts, when the reality is that even the scholars who have spent over 20 years studying Islam don't consider themselves experts. They are STILL learning. In Islam, the seeking of knowledge never ends.

I don't want to have to discuss religion. It is emotionally and mentally taxing, its a personal thing, and it is a sensitive subject to those who are religious, and those whose chosen ideology is atheism. For some God awful reason, it comes between brothers, friends,and strangers even though the message,in the end, is the same.

But if I don't, I'm with the extremists.
If I don't, we Muslims aren't peaceful.
If I don't, I am not speaking out against the murder, rape, beheading, and crucifixion of innocent people both Christian, and the majority Muslims.

Of course I want to defend my religion. But having to defend it to the assholes that are using it to justify their violence AND to my fellow Americans is exhausting. The ignorant extremists, I get. They are ignorant, desperate, misfits of their places of origin, lonely and seeking the power of fear because they have been cast aside from their societies. They have a collective psychological problem and they are not scholars or students of religion.
   
But the Americans....Americans are not supposed to be ignorant. We are not supposed to be oppressive out of fear. We are not supposed to be the haters with black hearts. We are supposed to be smarter, stronger and more compassionate than that. So I do not have an excuse for my countrymen to be acting like the very people they are so afraid of.

And so, I'm going to do my best to keep my thoughts, outbursts, answers to questions, religious discussion and EVERYTHING related, to my blog. I don't like status updates, I don't like bombarding people's news feeds with links and mini speeches and pictures. And if people give a shit about what I think or want to talk about Islam, they can come here and we can do that. But I'm not arguing about, or having deep religious conversations about religion on Facebook anymore.

I would like to leave this post with a sentiment shared by my family, my friends in the Ummah, and the Imams I have learned from:

DAESH is not of our people. Their actions and ideology goes against everything Islam and Muslims stand for. They are going AGAINST the teachings of Islam.

We do not condone or sanctify their terror.                                                         

We do not condone or sanctify violence and murder.                                       

We are not your enemy, nor you ours.

Those men are after us AND you. And we are making it easy for them.

Christmas and the Glorious Birth of Jesus: 'Peace be upon me the day I was born’ | MuslimVillage.com

Christmas and the Glorious Birth of Jesus: 'Peace be upon me the day I was born’ | MuslimVillage.com

Progress?

The fact that a year went by and I didn't write a word is disturbing. It is telling of my relationship with Islam I believe. A visual meter of my Muslimness. Maybe the kuffar-callers were right after all :P
 Instead of this blog being about the answers as to why I converted, and showing the people around me that Muslims are good people with a similar set of beliefs to theirs, it is becoming more about the journey through this spiritual experience, and leaving me with more questions than I seem to be able to answer, both about the religion, and about myself.

Welcome to 2013 (Part II)

Struck by the Truth of it

Through luck and the magnificence of social networking I have slowly come into contact with other Muslims (who would perhaps be called moderates or progressives in the sub-sectarian divisions of Muslims we like to impose on ourselves) across the city who have been seeking something else. Something other than what the mosques have to offer. A place where equality, tolerance and acceptance are provided for in accordance with Islamic principles, Islamic worship and maybe even a bit of education. Where converts (and the LGBT community) are welcomed and comfortable. Where there is real community, and real cohesion despite cultural/scholarly/sectarian diversity.

A wonderful woman here who has since moved away, planted the seeds for a SLC chapter of  Muslims For Progressive Values.When I joined their national group, I was not so sure about them...after all, I am more conservative than people think/know, however with my experience in the local mosque (which I found is an echo of many of the convert women before me here) and the intolerance and exclusion I have seen...my values are much more in line with that of MPV, and the local people I have met have been amazing. The woman who started it all had a great impact on me, telling me some of the best things I needed to hear another Muslim say to me in order to unblock my own path and be ok with who I am and my relationship with God, and my relationship with Islam. 

While they are not quite up and running, we are slowly meeting socially and getting to know one another. The two people left in charge I have no doubt will ensure the organization gets off to a productive and meaningful start, and there are already quite a few others who have connected through MPV SLC's start-up group. At first I had my doubts....but upon meeting the other members, I am so grateful that someone here in this city took the initiative to start a chapter.

 I also have to admit...the events in Boston also had a hand in pushing me over the teetering edge of being sure I wanted to be a part of MPV. But I suppose that should be the next blog post.

Welcome to 2013 (Part I)

I didn't realize quite how long it had been since I had written anything on my Muslimness. I had to read the last post to remember where I was when I last spewed my guts about the raw experience of being the Muslim me. Wow...it was a LONG time ago. (I did insert a post from another blog I wrote in January. I didn't post it in here at the time but it is relevant so I added it in)
      The Yoga Rave wasn't all that. It was sort of weird (although granted it was their first time putting one on, and I have noticed the flyers and posters have gotten more abundant over the last few months so perhaps they know what they are doing a little better now) but it was fun. However I have to admit the conservative Muslim and the Catholic little girl in me was a bit freaked out by the huge various portraits of Vishnu.

There was some singing, chanting type activity in the Temple Room (complete with statues and incense and flowers, it was quite beautiful) where people were really having a good time. I liked it...as an observer. I don't think I could ever fully participate because I am quite sure I don't feel the elated spirituality they seem to. I WISH I could find that elated spirituality. I feel like I had it when I was a child, found it again for a little while as an adult, and now I feel like a bitter little kid refusing to grow up, demanding someone take me back to Sunday School and all things loving and merciful and kind. Which leads me back to...exactly where?

It appears the last post was on the first Friday night that the lights went out on the women's meeting at Masjid Al-Nour. I am sure part of my not having a good time at the Yoga Rave event was that fact. That place I held SO dear, those women I love SO much, those amazing memories, those times of peace, of community, of the kids running around, playing, having fun, the hugging, the salaams, the never knowing if it is 3 kisses or 4 (I heard somewhere 3 is sunnah so I stuck with that), the dessert and chatter and the getting to know each other, so many of us, all so different and from all over, united by the one thing that brought us there together...(Islam)....just gone. 

*poof*

  ..like it never was. That event and those surrounding it, along with the pure meanness of the people involved was one of the few things that has happened in my life that really, truly broke something inside of me.

But it's ok. I got my spark back

.

The women's meeting found a new home in the a different local Masjid...this one is known as the Somali Masjid. (We also have a Bosnian one, an "Iraqi" one, the Turks get together on their own, there is a "Pakistani" masjid  (the ones in quotes are not officially deemed as such but there are mostly attended and run by the various cultures all split up but grouped together) and the one I used to go to was frequented by everyone, Americans, Arabs, Somalis, Bosnians, Pakistanis, Indians, Bangladeshis...EVERYONE. it was beautiful. But alas, all good things must come to an end and the end of that experience has been met.

I went to the meetings there for a few of them. It was nice, never quite the same as the times we had at Masjid Nour, never as comfortable. Of course we are blocked off in the back from the men and separated by a portable wall like an office cubicle. We had a potluck for a newspaper writer that fasted in January (Ramadan the fast is too long) to get the experience Muslims get during Ramadan. She wrote about it last year and decided to repeat the experience this year because she enjoyed it. Partly because of the recent religious politics of the community and partially because of the (culturally influenced) restrictive atmosphere of the Masjid in the name of Islam, it was quite embarrassing and we are so lucky the writer is a nice Mormon lady who won't badmouth us. Because any other religion writer for a newspaper would have had some awesome fodder for a juicy anti-Muslim story.  I won't even talk about the rest but suffice it to say there is a big problem (not just here but all over apparently) with women's spaces in mosques. However it was not just how we were treated and how she was treated there, it was how few of the Muslim "community" even showed up to celebrate with us. What a way to show we care, we are united with our community, we are willing to be there when a community member reaches out and wants to befriend us....

WHAT A JOKE.

I should have been done then. And I thought I was. But it would take just a little bit more (JUST like it did with the Catholic Church..it felt very similar when it happened) to really finally push me over the edge with the Muslim Community as I have come to know it here in Utah. When I finally had the courage to walk away from the Catholic Church, I retained my Faith in God, my love of Jesus and his teachings, my belief in God's message and the belief that I will be rightly guided. Just as now, having the courage to finally walk away from the Utah Muslim Community as I have gotten to know it, I maintain my Islam, my infallible belief in God, in His message (however it reaches people) and I WHOLEHEARTEDLY believe in enjoining good and forbidding evil. And so the story goes on, and a new chapter begins. Alhumdulillah for everything and how it all happens. God knows the right time and place for everything, yet I am always amazed at divine opportunities and how perfectly they fit when presented.

Trying to Hold on to Islam

This morning started off with this beautiful moment..caught perfectly. I made the mistake of sharing it in a Muslim women's group and my happy morning went south. "Astugfirallah" was the reaction (May God forgive). As far as I know children are not held responsible yet for performing the 5 daily prayers..and therefore are not sinning or required to seek forgiveness. And everyone with a kid knows..when they see a camera it's hammy time! I deleted the post right away.I didn't even want to argue. I am past the point of arguing. Past the point of caring almost..but not quite there yet. I shouldn't care really...I shouldn't let it get to me. More and more I feel like I am NOT one of "them" and they are pushing me away and out so why do I insist that I am? Every joy is a HARAM, every day I work I am HARAM, watching a movie with my daughter... HARAM..laughing out loud..HARAM. Can i breathe? Can I smile? Can I see beauty without condemning it? Can one moment of pure, unfiltered joy in the giggle and peace sign flash of a little boy just be OK???

I am finding it so hard to reconcile my life...who I am..how I feel..how I love...how I live..with this version of Islam that requires me to be someone different than who I am. Different than who God made me. I am STRUGGLING to hold on to Islam. STRUGGLING. And moments like these I am really just at a loss for how and why this religion is so incredibly difficult,When it was NOT supposed to be. But then again..that's according to the Islam I know...which apparently is wrong...so who knows? People around here are a lot more interested in being extreme and righteous and "pious" to give any time or effort into building a community with kuffars. Even the group of converts we have cannot seem to make building a community or safe space for us a priority..so why am I trying? Why do I care? I find myself in this position all the time. Questioning why am I doing this? I don't question my faith in God,or in His oneness and omnipotence, I don't question Judgement Day, I don't question Quran...but I question what it is to BE a Muslim. I question whether this is really the path I am wanting to go down...because it just doesn't feel right.

Pendulum

Back and forth, back and forth...my religiosity has been swinging like a pendulum. The more I want or try to embrace Islam...the more I feel turned off by it. One day I really just want NOTHING to do with any of it, and I want to RUN to church and just sit in the pews and cry and cry and cry and cry. The next day I want to get up and going...start implementing the ideas all the women have had...do our own thing which we have been saying forever, or really get these guys and girls to WORK with me. ( Or is it that subconsciously I cannot stand not being accepted as a member of the community?? I have NEVER had an easy time of being able to blow off not being accepted or liked...)

The truth is...I miss my comfort zone. I miss that peace inside that I got from praying at church. Those doses of peace in my heart I could always get in that sacred space meant for reflection and worship. Though I found my truth in the religion of Islam...(at least I thought I did...truth is starting to be blurry now...) I cannot find any peace (I know..I keep saying that). Not the kind I had when I was young and was so sure about only one thing: My belief in God. 

Ramadan was awful...made me really think about whether I am really in this or not? And I still cannot answer that. I do not doubt God, or his infinite omnipotence. I do not doubt the Prophets...I do not doubt the Quran. But I doubt what I am doing...where I am going...what I am (not) involved in. Flashes of my previous life keep running through my head and I keep wondering...why did I choose this again? To be better? To be happier? To become a part of something good? Because...those things are eluding me.  This life right now is not what I thought it would be, nor anything like what I wanted. My spirituality has not grown...rather it is suffocating. I am taking a step back and looking and going...is this really what I want? Is this really the path I choose? There is a rock on my chest I cannot lift off. There is an ache in my soul that will NOT stop throbbing. It will NOT go away. And thinking about religion..especially this one I have chosen..makes it WORSE and to be honest it scares me because I did not see this coming. I saw my faith as something beautiful and I respected it so much...even before my shahada (profession of faith). At this moment...right now...I have a hard time looking at Arabic script without feeling like I want to roll my eyes.

I know I am not alone, I know many others have felt this way. But I cannot help but worry and wonder...how this is all going to turn out for me. Was I wrong to think this was the right path ? Or was I right and I need to buck up and throw myself in? One thing is for sure...I cannot keep teeter-tottering. I have to find a way to deal with myself, and my feelings. Sort out my thoughts. And get on that path to 

Peace, Love, Unity, Respect

(a.k.a. P.L.U.R. to the old ravers...who in my opinion are the coolest, most compassionate, DOWNEST subculture I have had the pleasure to experience being a part of. )

On that note...there is a Yoga-Rave (drug and alcohol free) at the Krishna Temple tonight. I cannot WAIT to go. Yoga and Mantra Dance, chanting  and TRANCE TECHNO!!!!....right up my alley...I am thinking tomorrow evening..I will feel much, much BETTER :)
♥Alhumdulillah for EVERYTHING in this life ♥