Trying to Hold on to Islam

This morning started off with this beautiful moment..caught perfectly. I made the mistake of sharing it in a Muslim women's group and my happy morning went south. "Astugfirallah" was the reaction (May God forgive). As far as I know children are not held responsible yet for performing the 5 daily prayers..and therefore are not sinning or required to seek forgiveness. And everyone with a kid knows..when they see a camera it's hammy time! I deleted the post right away.I didn't even want to argue. I am past the point of arguing. Past the point of caring almost..but not quite there yet. I shouldn't care really...I shouldn't let it get to me. More and more I feel like I am NOT one of "them" and they are pushing me away and out so why do I insist that I am? Every joy is a HARAM, every day I work I am HARAM, watching a movie with my daughter... HARAM..laughing out loud..HARAM. Can i breathe? Can I smile? Can I see beauty without condemning it? Can one moment of pure, unfiltered joy in the giggle and peace sign flash of a little boy just be OK???

I am finding it so hard to reconcile my life...who I am..how I feel..how I love...how I live..with this version of Islam that requires me to be someone different than who I am. Different than who God made me. I am STRUGGLING to hold on to Islam. STRUGGLING. And moments like these I am really just at a loss for how and why this religion is so incredibly difficult,When it was NOT supposed to be. But then again..that's according to the Islam I know...which apparently is wrong...so who knows? People around here are a lot more interested in being extreme and righteous and "pious" to give any time or effort into building a community with kuffars. Even the group of converts we have cannot seem to make building a community or safe space for us a priority..so why am I trying? Why do I care? I find myself in this position all the time. Questioning why am I doing this? I don't question my faith in God,or in His oneness and omnipotence, I don't question Judgement Day, I don't question Quran...but I question what it is to BE a Muslim. I question whether this is really the path I am wanting to go down...because it just doesn't feel right.

Thursday, May 5th Maysa (one of my favorite women on earth) organized a thank you luncheon for the Women Of Wasatch Presbytarian Church. Women from the congregation that bought Qurans to have distributed at bookstores with a bookmark saying they were not afraid of truth wherever it can be found.
It was short notice so only a few of us were able to attend, however it was really a great experience. I wish I had been better prepared, I didn't get any one's email our give mine out. We did decide we would do this again so I suppose I can do it next time. I didn't realize it was going to be so well documented by the media. I thought there was going to be something about the Women's meeting since there was a photographer and writer at the last meeting. I'm glad it was so well covered, it will get us out there and we can begin a good relationship with the other people of faith who have made a gesture of peace towards us. I am so excited and so happy to see something wonderful beginning!
Here is a link to that article:
www.sltrib.com/sltrib/news/51761532-78/muslim-women-quran-church.html.csp